Game #5 – Cardinals at Nationals
The Cardinals have won five straight elimination games, so history appears to be on their side. Oh wait, no Pujols, no LaRussa and they are on the road facing a 21-game winner in Gio Gonzalez. Dick Stockton and Bob Brenly, the announcers, let us know that it’s a rematch of Game One, as Gio will face off against Adam Wainwright. Gio walked SEVEN batters in his first start of the series, so I am sure he will be looking to improve upon that. Side note: DC is probably my second favorite city in the US. Vegas, Pittsburgh (hometown), NY, Chicago, and San Diego, to name a few are on that list as well.
Gio takes the hill and will see Jon Jay, Carlos Beltran (for some reason batting out of the two hole tonight) and Matt Holiday in the first inning. Lots of pressure on young Gio Gonzalez tonight. Let’s see if he can deliver. I really like Stockton and Brenly in the booth tonight. They don’t seem to waste any words when describing the action, and Stockton, despite being known for his football broadcasting, does not seem out of place at all. Jay works the count to 3-0 as Gio’s fastballs aren’t coming near the plate, but he manages to get a called strike, before Jay flies out to Bryce Harper in center field. Beltran, who I traded for a king’s ransom in fantasy this season, steps in. A switch hitter, Beltran fouls off two straight fastballs and is quickly in the hole. Beltran then flares a single to center field; one on, one out for Matt Holliday, who usually destroys pitching in the playoffs, though not this series as he is hitting just 2-18. Brenly just said, ‘Excuse me, Dick.’ Whoo whoo. Holiday down on strikes, on four pitches, on a beautiful breaking ball in the dirt. Allen Craig is next up. Craig was one of the hitters that saved my fantasy season. Thanks AC! I know, the only thing that is more boring than your fantasy team is my fantasy team. Craig hits a shallow pop up to Harper in center, and the side is retired. Here comes some Nattitude! (worst slogan ever)
Wainwright will have the pleasure of facing Game Four hero and ex-Phillie Jayson Werth, rookie phenom Bryce Harper and third baseman Ryan Zimmerman. Wainwright was just 13-14 this season after returning from Tommy John surgery. If he played for the Pirates he would have blown out his shoulder this season. After yet another replay, I have now seen Werth’s Game Four walk-off solo homer about 500 times, and I am probably not counting enough. Werth doubles to the left field corner to set the Nats up in scoring position. Bryce Harper may be a future MVP and All Star, but frankly, he stunk after the All Star break. Oh, he’s just 19 years old, so I guess its ok. If anyone should be dating Kate Upton, it’s Bryce Harper. Harper smashes a fastball to center field over Jon Jay’s head, scoring Werth. An easy triple for Bryce, 1-0 Nats. This a chance for a huge inning for the Nats. Ryan Zimmerman will try to push Harper across. Zimmerman crushes yet another fastball to right center and it clears the wall for some impressive yard work. Three batters in, its 3-0 already, after a double, triple and home run. The Cards probably had a better start in mind. Here comes yet another former Pirate, the current ugliest man in baseball, Adam LaRoche, and goes down on strikes, via a great breaking ball. Uh oh, the Nats first inning batting average has fallen to .750. Left fielder Michael Morse steps up to face Adam Wainwright. Wainwright is working the strike zone well thus far, and the strike zone looks pretty extended tonight. Morse K’s on another sweet breaking ball in the dirt. Ian Desmond, come on down! To strike out, of course, on the same pitch that LaRoche and Morse struck out on. There is no learning happening here tonight. The Cards are coming to bat to try and chip into this lead. At least it’s only the second inning, so there is lots of time left.
Yadier Molina will try to get this rally started against our boy Gio Gonzalez. Yadier grounds out to Danny Espinosa at second base for the first out of the inning. The Cardinals are 9-17 on Fridays this season. Elias Sports Bureau comes up with weird statistics and trends. Now, 2011 World Series hero/MVP David ‘Doctor’ Freese singles to left, and second baseman Daniel Descalso digs in, 0 for his last six plate appearances. Gio is throwing gas and has been all season, as evidenced by his being 4th in the majors in strikeouts. Descalso is to this series as Lew Ford was to the Yankees-Orioles series. DD has fouled off four straight 2-2 pitches, before Gio punches him out on a fastball down and in, a very nice pitch with perfect location. Pete Kozma is next. He hit a three run homer earlier in the series, so something could happen in this at bat. For some reason, Freese takes off from first and catcher Kurt Suzuki could have had a 5-course meal back there before throwing Freese out by 8 feet at second. End of the inning.
It’s time for some Danny Espinosa, a non-prototypical second baseman: power, no speed, poor batting average. He quickly pops to Matt Holliday in left field, bringing Kurt Suzuki to the plate. Kurt is 1-13 in this series. Put me in coach! Of course, KS singles to right and is now hitting .143 in this series. Gio will try to sacrifice Suzuki over to second for Jayson Werth. Gio strikes out trying to bunt, because according to Stockton and Brenly, he is apparently such a bad hitter it is very unlikely that he will be able to advance the runner otherwise. Mountain Man Jayson Werth looking for a big hit here. He smokes one, which off the bat looks like it might leave the yard, but alas, it falls harmlessly to Jon Jay in center field.
Pete Kozma is back up at the plate after Freese was thrown out attempting to steal during his at bat last inning. He promptly flies to Harper in center field. Pitcher Adam Wainwright will try to not make too many embarrassing swings in his at bat. Gio jumps ahead quickly 1-2, and you need to punch him out here. He does so with a fantastic curveball. AW had no chance at that one. Back to the top of the order in Jon Jay. Gio is following the three basic rules of pitching tonight: throw strikes, work fast, change speeds. Jay goes down swinging to end the top half of the third inning.
Hey, look at that, Wolf Blitzer is at the game, staring at his BlackBerry or iPhone or whatever expensive phone he owns. Phenom Bryce Harper is next. And that’s why he is The Phenom. A monstrous home run into the right field seats. And this is why everyone hates him. He sprints around the bases as if he were Pete Rose, earning love from the announcers. He’s a professional baseball player. Not hustling should not be an option. Ryan Zimmerman follows the Harper homer up immediately with a frozen rope to the right center gap for a stand up double. Adam LaRoche has a chance to make this 5-0 in the third inning. Why any pitcher would throw LaRoche a fastball is crazy. He waves at breaking pitches like he is Pedro Cerrano and is a dead pull hitter as well, which actually works in the Nats advantage in this situation as they are trying to, at the least, move Zimmerman to third. Dick Stockton: ‘Wainwright gets him on a curve.’ Wow, I am Jack’s insane sense of surprise. Now Morse obliterates a fastball to left, out of the park. It’s now 6-0 Nats in the bottom of the third. Wainwright is pulled in favor of Joe Kelly. Is this really happening? Are the Nats going to take this game and advance? Kelly to face Ian Desmond first, and is bringing heat to the tune of 96 MPH. Desmond down on strikes for the second time, via a nice breaking ball from Joey Kelly. This Nats crowd is slightly embarrassing. No cheering, it’s not electric in the park, you would think this is a regular season game against the Marlins. Yankee Stadium was on fire the whole game earlier. Kelly sends a shot across Espinosa’s nose to back him off the plate. Espinosa waves at a slider and strikes out to end the inning.
Carlos Beltran steps in looking to get the rally started. Beltran has admirably filled the offensive void that Pujols left behind when he signed with the Angels, and he walks to lead things off. Uh oh, Matt Holliday could start the rally with one swing of the bat. Instead, Holliday doubles into the left field corner and Beltran comes all the way around from first to score the Cardinals first run. You can hear a pin drop in this stadium now, and its 6-1 in favor of the home team. Allen Craig quickly chops a grounder to Desmond at shortstop for the first out of the inning. Holliday cannot advance on the play. Molina flies out to Werth in right field, which does advance Holliday to third base. If any Cardinal can drive in a runner on third with two outs, it is definitely Dr. Freese. More clutch than a stick shift. However, Gio is on point and sets Freese down on strikes. Up come the Nats for more.
‘Kirk’ Suzuki is first up for the Nats/Expos franchise and lines out to Holliday in left field. Let’s just say that Gio Gonzalez will strike out on a fastball, but he does make contact, grounding out weakly to Espinosa at second base. That brings the top of the order, which looks like this in tonight’s game: 5-6, 2 homers, 4 RBI. Not too shabby. This whole Werth vs. the Phillies has to stop. Werth has been pretty bad (certainly not worth the $18 million a year that he signed for) in his two seasons as a Nat, whereas the Phillies, aside from the 2012 season, still have arguably the best team in the division. It’s not about the Phillies as an organization, though, the fans were really offended. That’s right, the worst fans in sports. Werth gounds out to second to end the inning. Joe Kelly is pitching quite well since coming on in relief in the third inning.
Gio is still on the mound and Descalso will lead it off for the bottom third of the Cards order. Stockton and Brenly go on a minute rant about how great Cards’ reliever Trevor Rosenthal is. I guess we’ll see next inning. Gio looks totally in command. If you are a Nats fan, you just need to hope he can hold it together until the seventh inning. Descalso ropes a fastball to right, over Jayson Werth’s head, and pulls into second with a stand up double. Pete Kozma, which sounds like a weatherman’s name to me, digs in again against our man Gio. This is a big out for Gio to get right now. He’ll be facing the pitcher’s spot next, which will be a pinch hitter, so getting 2 outs with the top of the order coming up can limit the damage. On cue, Kozma singles to right, and Descalso stops at third. Pinch hitter Shane Robinson bats against Gio. I did not know that Shane Robinson was a white guy but here he is ready to make an impact. Gio falls behind 3-1 with the top of the order looming. Still nobody out yet, and Gio walks Robinson to load the bases with nobody out. The tying run is now in the on deck circle. You have to look for the double play and limit the damage to 2 runs or less. Suzuki and Gio have had about 10 meetings at the mound just in this inning alone. Jay flares one that Espinosa hauls in fairly easily. If Jay gets slightly more wood on it, it’s a run at minimum. Carlos Beltran is next up. Vicious curveball that Beltran just gets a piece of, and the count is now 1-2. Gio uncorks a wild pitch that moves the runners up a base a piece. 6-2 now, and Beltran still at the dish. Another word that has just two practical applications: uncork. You can only either uncork a wild pitch, or your favorite bottle of cabernet sauvignon. Beltran walks, and now, Matt Holliday steps up and represents the tying run. Holiday hits a comebacker to Gio, who flips home for the force out, but Suzuki has no play on Holliday at first. Two outs, now. Gio has now reached 30 pitches in this inning alone and is showing signs of fatigue and frustration. Allen Craig walks on five pitches and run comes in to cut the 6-0 lead in half to 6-3. Gio can’t find the plate and he has walked three batters in the inning. He goes 2-0 to Yadier Molina, who is 0 for his last 11. That stays consistent with a fly out to right field, and the side is retired. Not a great inning for the Nats. They are still up by three, but seem to have no momentum. Uh oh.
The aforementioned Trevor Rosenthal toes the rubber now with the Phenom Bryce Harper to lead it off. Why do nearly all rookie relief pitchers get uniform numbers in the 60s range? Rosenthal is just blowing gas past Harper at 98 MPH. Obscure stat of the night added by Brenly: against pitches clocked at 93 MPH or above this season, Harper hit just .240. I wish that was my job, honestly. Back to it. Rosenthal hits 99 on the gun. If he hits you with that, it has got to hurt. My goodness. Rosenthal comes back with a filthy 82 MPH curve ball that Harper has no chance on. Ryan Zimmerman just saw a 100 MPH fastball, and to show you how much attention I am paying at the moment, it’s the fourth pitch in a row to hit 100. Zimmerman is down on strikes for the second out. The Nationals have struck out eight times in this game so far, in 4 2/3 innings. Terrible. Adam LaRoche flies out to Matt Holliday in left to end the inning.
The new pitcher for the Nats is Craig Stammen, a slightly less harder thrower than our man Rosenthal. By the way, Stammen’s ERA in this series is over 10. It seems like the right choice to bring him in. Freese singles past Desmond at shortstop on a ball he should have come up with. So now, Descalso, who started the last inning with a double, is up and promptly flies out to Harper in center field. More action in the bullpen for the Nats, with Sean Burnett, yet another former Pirate, and Edwin Jackson, who refused to accept a 3-year, $30 million offer from the Pirates in the offseason, warming up. Pete ‘The Weatherman’ Kozma digs in against Stammen, whose fastball has now touched 91 on the gun, which is close to 10% slower than Rosenthal’s from the previous inning. Kozma grounds into an inning ending double play….oh wait, Espinosa can’t get it out of his glove and they settle for the force out at second base. Off goes Stammen, and on comes Burnett to face Skip Schumaker. Another quality Nats reliever this post season, Burnett has given up three earned runs in 2/3 of an inning. He does his job though and induces (there’s that word again) a weak grounder to first. End of the inning.
Michael Morse leading off the bottom of the sixth against new Cardinals pitcher, Edward Mujica and he quickly grounds out to third base for the first out. Here comes Ian Desmond, who is hitting .412 in this series. Just like Morse, Desmond puts up little fight and grounds out to David Freese for the second out. Espinosa, a free swinger, is up next. This has the makings of a super quick inning as Mujica is making quick work of the bottom part of the Nats lineup. Against all odds, Espinosa draws a two out walk. Suzuki will attempt to extend the inning though it might not be the worst thing in the world to end the inning and get Burnett back out there on the hill. But, Kurt singles to extend the inning, with Roger Bernadina pinch hitting. Two on and two out for Roger, who has one official at bat in the series and has reached base on two walks as well. Rog falls behind 0-2 and Mujica can take his pick of what he wants to throw here. Mujica K’s Rog on a slider to end the inning.
Ah yes, the great Nats ‘tradition’, the Presidents’ race. Teddy trails by a huge margin in the overall standings. It’s like the Milwaukee Sausage Race or the Pittsburgh Pierogie Race. Who cares. Edwin Jackson takes over for the Nats and will face the top of the Cardinals order with John Jay, who walks, and it is now the fourth straight inning that the Cards have had the leadoff man on base. Beltran flips to the left side of the plate to face the righty Jackson. Beltran mashes a fastball to right field for a double. Jay goes to third and it’s now second and third with nobody out and Matt Holliday coming to the plate. Uh oh. Holliday hits a slow roller to Desmond at shortstop and the only play is to first base, which means Jay comes in to score and its suddenly 6-4. Once again, the tying run is now in the batter’s box. Jackson makes a HUGE pitch to K Allen Craig, and Molina steps up with two gone in the inning. Once again, a pitcher in this game cannot find the plate, as Jackson walks Molina on four pitches. I have a bad feeling about this. Dr. Freese is up now with first and second and two out. Freese goes down 1-2 and strikes out to end the inning. Yet still the Cardinals are just two runs back. They have to be confident right now. Brenly says as much about the nature of the comeback. They are just missing one key hit, and they would either be tied or ahead right now.
Mitchell Boggs comes on in relief for the Cardinals now. He looks like he should be a plumber, not a solid reliever. And with Werth up, it’s now the Battle of the Beards. I can’t help feeling that the Nats need to get some insurance in this inning or the eighth. The Cardinals have all the momentum right now. Molina is a great catcher, but he just tried to frame a pitch that was a foot and a half off the plate. Werth grounds out to The Weatherman for out number one. Harper digs in against Boggs and the at bat is a battle with several foul balls so far, and a 2-2 count. The Phenom golfs one out to John Jay in center field for a can of corn second out. (Note: ‘can of corn’ was a phrase used by former Pirates announcer Bob Prince, ‘The Gunner’. It simply means, it was an easy play.) Ryan Zimmerman is up now, and looking to give the ball a ride. It only takes one. Choke and Stroke. Grip it and Rip it. Shoot it through the box. Ok, that is enough hitting analogies. Zim does hit a sharp one hopper through the box and The Weatherman makes a beautiful play to scoop it and fire to first for the third out. I don’t like where this is headed for the Nats. Tyler Clippard will come on in relief for the Nats.
Clip has 84 K’s in 72 innings this year. Not a bad average K/9 ratio. Descalso, who seems to be in the middle of all these runs tonight, will lead things off. Clippard has one of the funkiest deliveries I have ever seen, but he is extremely effective out of the bullpen. My goodness, Descalso just did some yard work and hit it over the right field wall. It’s now 6-5 Nats. As a player, I don’t care for Descalso, but he has had an undeniable impact on this game. The Weatherman pops up to Desmond at shortstop for the first out. Matt Carpenter is your newest pinch hitter and is currently rocking an 0-3 streak as a pinch hitter. One thing I do like about Carpenter is that he doesn’t wear batting gloves, only because you never see that anymore. Carpenter goes down on strikes, swinging, thankfully. Top of the order for John Jay. Jay gives it a ride but The Phenom Bryce Harper is right there to haul it in. Nice play by Bryce, not necessarily a can of corn. Jason Motte will be your new Cardinals pitcher.
Dare I say, Jason Motte has a much better beard than Jayson Werth. It’s not even close. LaRoche smokes a fastball to right field, and the Nats have the leadoff man on base. Morse is up next and strokes a single to centerfield, which moves LaRoche up to second base. Desmond coming up now, and if he is not bunting, Davey Johnson should be fired on the spot. The Nats need an insurance run, not a five run inning. Fire Davey Johnson! Desmond does not turn to bunt and almost assuredly will hit into a double play. I will give Desmond credit though, as he is swinging for the fences which would, you would think, effectively end the game. Instead, he hits a slow roller to third and the Cards can only get the force out at second. Espinosa quickly pops up to first base. At least that didn’t take very long. Motte is throwing serious heat, at the Rosenthal level, around 99 MPH. And some breathing room for the Nationals as Suzuki singles through the box to knock in LaRoche from third to make the score 7-5. Chad Tracy is your pinch hitter and Drew Storen will come on to pitch the ninth. Tracy pops up to Dr. Freese at third base to end the inning. Top of the ninth and the end of the season is three outs away for the Cardinals.
Beltran will lead things off for the Cardinals and he is currently 2-2 with two walks tonight. He doubles off of the center field wall, and the Cardinals are in business with Matt Holliday and Allen Craig upcoming. Holliday grounds to Zimmerman at third, and while he completely ignores Beltran, since that run is ‘meaningless’ at this point, they get the out at first. Allen Craig, a personal favorite, will take his shot now. And Craig chases a pitch way out of the strike zone for the strikeout and two away here in the ninth. The Nats are just one out away from winning this series. Only Yadier Molina stands in their way now. Molina promptly walks and its first and third with one out and Mr. Clutch David Freese strolling to the plate. Freese walks on a 3-2 pitch to load up the bases for, of course, Danny Descalso. On the first pitch of the at bat, DD lines a shot up the middle that Desmond cannot handle and the tying runs score. It’s now first and third, with two outs and The Weatherman coming up to bat in a game tied at 7. I don't care how long this game goes, the Nate can't possibly rebound from this collapse, of epic proportions. The Apocalypse is upon us. Number eight hitter Pete ‘The Weatherman’ Kozma just hit a double down the right field line that scores Dr. Freese and Descalso. It is now 9-7 Cardinals, who have just outscored the Nats, in their home ballpark, 9-1 since the fourth inning. Unbelievable. This is the reason I am glad that the Pirates never make the playoffs. I can never suffer what Nats fans just went through. Wait, the Nats still get a last at bat. Still, this is one of the more epic one game collapses I have ever witnessed. Motte will take an at bat in the ninth and go down on strikes. But the damage has been done and now the Cardinals stand just three outs away from advancing to the NLCS. Amazing.
I am too depressed about the Nats’ collapse to expound on the bottom of the ninth, so here is how it finished, without any sarcastic wit or humor or observations. Werth flied out to right field, Harper struck out swinging (go figure that one) and Zimmerman puts a mean swing to the ball, but like any sport or any adult film, inches matter. He gets under the ball and pops it sky high to one of the ninth inning heroes, Danny Descalso, and with that, the final out puts a nice and tidy bow on this series.
Boy, it’s a good thing Nats GM Mike Rizzo shut down Stephen Strasburg. I mean, it’s not like they actually needed him against St. Louis. What a night of baseball. I had not watched a nine inning game in its entirety in quite a few years, but I was able to spend seven hours watching two elimination games. I was hoping for a Baltimore-Washington World Series (that would be epic!) but it is probably inevitable that it will be Yankees-Cardinals now. I can’t see the Tigers, and their one quality starter, beating the Yankees in a seven game series, and the same goes for Giants-Cardinals. Though for this series, the Giants have Buster Posey and Pablo Sandoval on offense and that is it. Matt Cain is really the only Giants starter that can be depended on at this point, while the Cardinals are full of momentum and confidence. We’ll re-visit Yankees-Cardinals when it actually happens.
Update: Derek Jeter sustained a fractured ankle in Game 1 of the ALCS and the Yankees fell behind 2-0 in the series. So it will more than likely be Cardinals-Tigers for the title.
And just for the hell of it and since this is supposed to be about tv, I am super pumped for Bond 23, 'Skyfall', so here is the trailer.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Game 5 Elimination Madness: Yanks-O's and Cards-Nats
Back in Black (and pinstripes) – The Live Yankees-Orioles and Nats-Card blog and Semi Catch-up Diary
It’s good to be back. After jet-setting all over Europe and Australia for 6 months for work and pleasure, it’s time to hop back on this roller coaster. For the first time, I managed to take home a fantasy baseball crown, as the Yoenis Brothers won the two week championship match on a tie breaker. I had never won before, in any sport, and this one felt good. Popping some bubbly and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue in honor of me and my superior drafting ability.
The election and campaigning is in full swing since its October, though I would rather not get into that now, without being drunk. The Steelers are currently 2-3, after falling to the Titans (Titan Up!) 26-23 this past Thursday, and it might behoove them to go about 5-11 this year and get a top 12 draft pick. Though I am sure they will get healthy and make a run to 10-6 and slip in to the playoffs as a wildcard. That’s just what they do.
The MLB playoffs are in full swing as well. Since tonight there are two series ending games and I have not watched one game yet in the playoffs, much less a nine inning game, I thought this would be an opportunity to watch America’s Team, the Yankees, in their rubber match with the Baltimore Orioles for the right to go to the AL Championship Series, and then Nats-Cardinals in the night cap to go to the NL Championship Series. While I would like to see the Yanks lose, I don’t really want to see the O’s win, as then it calls into question why the Pirates have sucked for 20 consecutive losing seasons (note: that is not a misprint or typo). So, let’s see how this game plays out.
We’ll pick it up in the bottom of the 1st inning, with everyone’s favorite shortstop leading off, Derek Jeter, who is the most overrated shortstop to play the game in the modern era, in my humble opinion. Consistency means something, but he has never been the best shortstop in MLB in his career. I have gotten into arguments over Jeter’s legacy. Is he great? Yes. Is he a Hall of Famer? No doubt. Everyone needs to just get out of his ass. If he doesn’t play in New York, I can’t possibly have this complaint since he wouldn’t get half as much pub as he currently gets. Oh and look at that. Jeter works the count full, and then takes strike three.
Jason Hammel on the hill for Baltimore tonight, with Ichiro up next. Hammel pitched for some time in Colorado, so the move out of Coors Field lowered his ERA to just under 5. Yeah, he is pretty bad. I should automatically like Ichiro since he wears #31, since that was also Reggie Miller’s number for the Pacers back in the day, and he might be my favorite hoops player ever. A soft grounder to second for out number 2. Robby Cano up next. He is the best 2nd baseman in the game right now, and is up for a new contract. Easily, he’ll get 7 years, $140 million. Excuse me, I need to puke now. Cano absolutely murders a ball down the right field line, just foul. Someone got a well-earned souvenir. Soft grounder to first, end of the inning. Due up, Davis, Wieters and my homeboy Manny Machado (who helped lead me to fantasy glory).
By the way, the announcer is Ernie Johnson, whose primary sport is NBA basketball. It’s weird. CC Sabathia on the hill for the Yankees. He is looking a very svelte 500 pounds. Davis taps a roller down the first base line for out number one. I have no idea what CC stands for. Matt Wieters, a stud catcher who the Pirates could have drafted instead of Danny Moskos, a relief pitcher no longer with the organization, steps in and quickly falls behind 1-2. Wicked slider punches out Wieters. It really annoys me that CC wears his cap off center. I know, I know, he’s an individual, let him do what he wants. Manny Machado takes his shot now. I don’t know who the color commentator is, but he is terrible. Machado down on strikes. To the bottom of the second we go. Teixeira, Ibanez (Game 3’s hero) and Nick Swisher due up for the Yanks in the bottom half of the second.
On a fantasy note, Mark Teixeira is one of the most overrated first basemen out there. There I said it. Ground out to Machado at third, one down. Easy play for the kid, who is yet another high draft pick the Pirates could have had. Former Phillie and Mariner Raul Ibanez steps in, looking to repeat his magic from Game 3, but quickly pops up to Adam ‘I’m Not Pac Man’ Jones in center field. Nick Swisher is currently engaged to actress/general hottie Joanna Garcia. I think it pays more than money to be a professional baseball playa (spelling intentional). Hammel takes care of Swisher with another K.
Top of the third will bring up Mark Reynolds. Every time I see major league pitching, I really feel that I could hit it. Maybe not CC, but a soft tosser like Jamie Moyer or Jordan Zimmerman. Reynolds, by the way, holds the single season strikeout record for a batter. That is pretty impressive, at the least. He hacks like nobody in the business. Reynolds is having a great at bat and has worked the count full, making CC throw 10+ pitches, though predictably, he strikes out. He wasn’t even close to contact on that one. Here comes DH Lew Ford, who I have never heard of. The fact that the DH’s name is ‘Lew Ford’ does not bode well for the O’s. He sounds like a car salesman or crooner. We quickly learn thanks to Ernie Johnson why Ford is in the lineup: he has homered twice in his career off of our man CC. CC is working the outer half of the plate as he should, since he is a power pitcher and he should come inside to finish Ford off. Ford pops up to Ichiro in left field for the second out. Let’s see if Robert Andino can bring the pain. My guess? No. He is the #9 hitter for a reason, and Buck Showwalter, the O’s manager, is no dummy. However, Andino is a career .360 hitter when facing CC, but pops to right field to end the top of the third.
Due up for the Yankees is Granderson, Russell Martin and A-Rod’s replacement in the lineup tonight, the oft-injured Eric Chavez. Curtis Granderson hit 43 home runs in the regular season while hitting .232, which is amazing to me. Hammel has a great curve ball and he is using it quite often in the early going. Grandy Man flies to Chris Davis in right field. Catcher Russell Martin clocks one out to our man Not Pac Man Jones for out number two. Chavez can’t stay healthy, he’s getting old and he can’t hit for anything but power. Another fly out to Adam Jones. Nine up and nine down for both CC and Hammel through three innings. Here comes former Pirate Nate McLouth. He was hitting .140 this season with the Bucs before they released him, and now he is starring in the ALDS. And of course, he singles to left and represents the first hit for either team. Nice piece of hitting in taking the gas the other way. JJ Hardy, the shortstop, steps up, and promptly pops out the right field. Here comes Not Pac Man Jones, who had an absolute break out year, about 3 years after it was expected. Jones rips it to the gap, but Granderson tracks it down for the second out. Jones is now 2-21 in the series, only slightly worse that A-Rod’s 2-16 number, which earned him a seat on the bench. Chris Davis is up, looking for a big two out hit. McLouth steals second. Nate must say his prayers every night, going from the outhouse to the penthouse, and having nothing to do with it. On a side note, one of my co-workers is at this game. Davis staying alive with foul balls, on some tough pitches to hit as well. Good job stretching out the pitch count. Davis then pops up to center field.
The sitcom ‘Cougartown’ got booted off ABC and TBS picked it up. Remarkably, Courtney Cox looks better now than she did 15 years ago on ‘Friends’. Guess what? I am still not watching. Jeter steps in, likely to make another out. Color commentator: Jeter is not done with 2 strikes. I know, he still has one more strike to go! Oh and guess what, another Jeter K. Did Buck Showwalter just call himself ‘Captain Obvious’ in a between innings interview? Someone needs to stay off of Urban Dictionary or any show on Nickelodeon. Ichiro will take his hacks now and promptly grounds to Andino at second base. Ernie reminds us that the O’s and Yanks have been neck and neck since about the All Star break, and in fact are an even 11-11 against each other this year. Robby Cano, next up. Hammel is firing darts tonight and appears totally in control of where he is throwing the ball, contrary to any of his previous MLB experience. If the O’s win this game, his performance thus far will be a big part of it. Cano takes strike three right down the pipe. Bad one to strike out on when if he puts a bat on it, it likely leaves the yard, but it looked like he was expecting junk, something off speed. Here come the Orioles!
Matt Wieters upcoming for the O’s, and is 2-18 in the series. Great pitching or horrible hitting? Probably somewhere in the middle. Weiters is working CC nicely in this at bat and CC walks him on 5 pitches. Manger interviews are so useless, just like sideline reporters in college and pro football. The Kid, Manny Machado, is ready to mash. On a side note, A-Rod was benched for this game, which personally I think was an enormous mistake. One way or another, I think he gets a hit in this game that means something. Machado pops up to Cano at second base. Mark Reynolds then lasers one up the middle that may or may not have ricocheted off of CC, and Cano picks it up for the 4-3 double play to end the top half of the fifth. I am so glad I don’t watch commercials, because they all appear to suck.
Teixeira leading it off for the Yanks in the bottom of the fifth. The shift is on in the infield. Does this ever work? Can we get some statistical data on this? I am not sure it even matters. Tex crushes one to right field and it falls in for a single and the first Yankee hit. The shift matters not. Ibanez looking for yet another clutch hit. He’s only in the lineup because he bats left handed, not because he killed it in the regular season. Surprisingly, Tex steals second, as the O’s were not holding him on first. Hundred bucks says Ibanez singles in Tex right now. Baseball managers are the most overrated and useless coaches in all of sports, right next to caddies. Ibanez is working over Hammel here as well, it’s been a very long at bat and the count stands at 3-2. Mr. Joanna Garcia stands on deck. Predictably, Ibanez knocks in Tex with a single up the middle. 1-0 Yankees and you owe me $100. Good thing the Phillies let him go as a free agent. Still no outs on the board yet, and Swisher steps in. Hammel, by the way, looks no older than a high school sophomore. Swisher grounds into a life-saving 6-4-3 double play. Quote from color commentator: ‘I am going to say that is a huge play in this game.’ To quote previously Buck Showwalter, thank you Captain Obvious. I think anyone with a cursory knowledge of baseball could do these guys jobs, and be just as good if not better. Ever heard Tim McCarver for nine innings? Your ears will bleed before it’s over and there is a chance you may go insane from the stupid commentary that T-Mac delivers. Nevertheless, the bases are empty with two out in the bottom of the fifth inning. The Grandy Man comes up hacking at the first pitch he sees. Granderson, on the second pitch, lines a single to right field. Good for him! He is now 2-18 in the series. And we just learned that Justin Verlander, who pitched a 4-hit shutout against Oakland last night to advance the Tigers to the ALCS, is dating SI Swimsuit Issue cover model and ‘actress’ Kate Upton. I am not sure which is the bigger accomplishment for Verlander, but now, I respect him. Granderson swipes second. Tough pitch for Wieters to come up throwing on. Was not even close. Martin flies out to Jones in center field, and the Orioles will get a crack to tie the game up.
Look, I like New York as a city just fine, but can we all just agree that it’s cool and move on? Every movie and sitcom is set there, the NFL awarded a Super Bowl to the NY franchises (NY in the middle of February, the fans will love that) and there are enough anthems about the city to fill an iPod (any size memory of your choosing). We all get it, there’s no place like it. It’s been about enough already. Ok, top of the sixth, and everyone’s favorite DH Lew Ford steps in. Ford smokes one right at Tex at first base and he scoops it up for a 3-unassisted out. Robert Andino is good enough to play for the Pirates, Royals, Padres, Rockies, most Double A teams and my high school team, the Hopewell Vikings. Why he is getting crucial at bats in the playoffs is beyond me. Wasting little time, Andino flies out to Swisher in right field. I have just learned that John Smoltz is one of the announcers and he is pretty good. The other one stinks though, and his identity is yet to be revealed, and probably for good reason. Nate McLouth, we hardly knew you, and he has the only Oriole base knock in the game. Mark Reynolds looks like a friend of mine’s younger brother. Spitting image, it’s scary. Nasty Nate absolutely tees off on a fastball down the right field line towards the foul pole, and it’s called foul. Let’s go to the replay and delay this game 15 minutes. The umpiring crew will review that play, though from the replay, it appears as if the ball hit the foul pole. No clear call here, so we’ll see what the umps come back with. While they are reviewing the play, the Yankee PA system is pumping out ‘Moves Like Jagger’ by immortal, prototypical 2000’s band Maroon 5. Oy vie. The ghosts of Mantle, DiMaggio, Ruth and John Wetteland do not approve. I think the O’s got hosed, as they stick with the original call of foul ball. Predictably, Nasty Nate goes down on strikes on the next pitch, a nasty slider from our boy CC. On to the bottom of the sixth. CC has a one hitter going.
Eric Chavez steps up. This should be A-Rod. At the least, pitchers have to respect him and don’t go right after him like Chavez, who just went down on strikes on three pitches. McLouth rocks the straight bill on his hat? Who knew? Mr. November Derek Jeter steps up to strike out again, though he is 8-21 in this series, so he deserves credit for that. So Verlander (always say his name like Zoolander) is dating Kate Upton, who is approximately 19 years old. JV is 29 years old. How did that go over with Mr. and Mrs. Upton? I mean, 10 years man! 10 years! That’s a lot of ‘experience’ that Kate just doesn’t have. Jeter walks, and former Mariner stud and hero Ichiro will try to push Jeter across, and does so with a double to the right center field gap. Good night Jason Hammel, you done well, son, you done well (considering how bad your career numbers are). Oh wait, Buck leaves him in to face Cano. I am not sure about this. Cano seems like he is due to pop one. Marvcus Patton, I mean, Troy Patton warming in the bullpen (Marvcus Patton was a linebacker for the Redskins back in the 90s, and has the greatest first name ever. Like his parents could not decide between ‘Marvin’ and ‘Marcus’. This can be done with other names as well I am sure. Let me think about this.). Cano is hacking. He clearly wants to hit it out of the bandbox that is Yankee Stadium. Instead, he watches strike three across the top of the strike zone. Beautiful pitch by Hammel. Tex will be intentionally walked to face Mr. Clutch, Raul Ibanez. Captain Obvious comes out of the dugout and they will turn to lefty Troy (Marvcus) Patton to induce the third out. (Much like the word ‘ensuing’, which can only be used to describe kickoffs in football, ‘induce’ is used in only two logical places: inducing labor to have a baby, and inducing a double play in baseball.) A-Rod! A-Rod! A-Rod! Will there be a better time to pinch hit A-Rod than now? Craig Sager, best sport coats ever. Period. End of discussion. Ibanez rips one barely foul. Game over if that is fair. Raul down on strikes, swinging thankfully. No hitter should ever go down looking. Since there are two strikes, you need to be protecting the plate. Duh. On to the seventh inning, and CC remains on the hill.
Hardy to lead things off and he immediately directs one to Cano for out number one. Not Pac Man is up next, and he has gained a reputation for chewing lots and lots of bubble gum. C’mon, be a major leaguer and chew tobacco. Even the players’ wives do it (source: ‘The Naked Gun’). Jones is down on strikes in three pitches. Ernie Johnson: ‘Sabathia made him look bad.’ And I could not agree more. Chris Davis pops up harmlessly to the Grandy Man and we head to the bottom of the seventh.
As a general rule, I do not care for Bruce Springsteen or Pearl Jam. Now that MLB has made a Bruce song its theme of the playoffs, I will be fast forwarding through this. TBS finally decides to let us know that the other color analyst is Cal Ripken, who has been less than impressive with his effort tonight. He just doesn’t seem all that seasoned at the announcing gig. Swisher to lead things off for the Yankees. Stop showing Mariano Rivera! He had a serious knee injury and will not pitch tonight. Mr. Garcia (Nick Swisher) flips to the right side to face Marvcus, I mean, Troy Patton. Swisher has some serious eye black on tonight. Not in the neighborhood of boy wonder Bryce Harper, but impressive nonetheless. Swisher is out on three pitches. Patton busted him inside and Nicky had no chance. Granderson has been terrible in this series. Really earning that paycheck, big fella. On cue, Granderson crushes one into the right field bleachers, to make the score 3-0 Yankees. Russell Martin should just end this inning asap. The Orioles have one hit. A comeback is about 0.0001% likely at this point. But that is why they play the game, and you PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. –H. Edwards. Martin grounds out to My Boy Manny Machado for the second out. It’s enough with Eric Chavez already. He strikes out on five pitches. More Bruce to take us to the eighth inning.
My only question now is if CC will close out this game or they will replace him. CC is out there for the eighth, against Matt Wieters, who immediately singles to left. It only took 7 full innings to get two hits! My Boy Manny Machado has a chance to do some damage here. Smoltz makes a great point. O’s hitters have gotten to 2-0 counts several times in the game against CC and have refused to unload on an obvious strike (that could be hit out of the ball park) on the third pitch since they are trying to increase CC’s pitch count. My Boy Manny Machado works a walk, and it’s now first and second, nobody out, with noted power hitter/strike out artist Mark Reynolds walking to the dish, and not surprisingly, is hacking right away. CC is having trouble throwing strikes in this inning. This has to be his last hitter, unless there is a double play of some sort. He has thrown a ton of pitches to this point. Reynolds hacks at the 3-1 and fouls it back. It was right down Broadway and he just missed it. A game of inches. Huge pitch as CC comes at him with a change up for a swinging strike three. Nice job by our boy CC. The immortal Lew Ford is next up. And of course, on cue, the immortal Lew Ford singles to left to bring in Wieters from second base, 3-1 Yankees, and….GOOD GOD, is that Robert Andino’s music???? Boy, could the O’s really use Nick Markakis at the moment (or anyone else not named Andino), but he is injured and out for the playoffs. CC is hitting his spots against Andino and has him 1-2. Bob Andino chops one just past the pitchers’ mound, CC fields it then fires to second but the immortal Lew Ford beats the throw. Bases loaded with Orioles for everyone’s favorite Pirate castoff, Nasty Nate McLouth. Ernie Johnson sounds nervous. Admittedly, I am a bit so as well. CC is laboring now and looks frustrated, but comes back to strike out Nate. Nothing makes me happier than upset Yankee fans. They don’t know what it’s like to cheer for a loser. Up to the plate is JJ Hardy, bases still loaded, and CC is up to 108 pitches. He is done after Hardy, whether he gets him out or lets up a hit. Hardy looks over matched in this at bat and the count sits at 1-2. Hardy chops a slow roller to Jeter who makes a really nice play (one he has made a million times by the way) and CC is out of a big time jam.
Enter Pedro Strop for the Orioles. Baltimore had a shutdown bullpen in the regular season, so it’s no surprise to see them doing it now in the playoffs. Jeter leads it off in the bottom of the eighth and weakly grounds out to Bob Andino at second base. That’s just what future Hall of Famers do: ground out weakly in big spots. Ripken just said that Mark Reynolds has ‘good legs’. Is he talking about Kate Upton or Reynolds? Uh, gross. Ichiro, who has a massive porn collection, no wait, that is Hideki Matsui, former Yankee, will hit now and walks for the first base runner of the inning. Captain Obvious pays a visit to the mound. Talented pitcher/noted bust Brian Matusz will take his turn on the hill in a relief role. On one pitch, Matusz induces a double play and we go to the ninth inning.
CC stays on the hill to finish the job and face Not Pac Man, Chris Davis and Matt Wieters. I bet Jones’ dentist makes a killing off of him from all the bubble gum he chews. Jones pops it to left where defensive sub Brett Gardner makes the grab for out number one. The Yankees are 92-0 in the post season when leading after eight innings. That’s great, but it has absolutely no bearing on tonight. Chris Davis is hacking and falls behind 0-2. Davis strikes out on a pitch that would have gone over the Empire State Building, it was that high out of the strike zone. Wieters will try to extend the Orioles’ season. And he fails, chopping a slow roller back to CC and the game is over. It will be Yankees and Tigers in the ALCS. Most annoying thing about a Yankee win? Undoubtedly, the playing of Sinatra’s version of ‘New York, New York’. To repeat, we get it. You’re in New York, it’s a great town, we all love it.
On that note, I definitely have carpal tunnel now, but will soldier ahead for Game 5 of Cardinals at Nationals.
It’s good to be back. After jet-setting all over Europe and Australia for 6 months for work and pleasure, it’s time to hop back on this roller coaster. For the first time, I managed to take home a fantasy baseball crown, as the Yoenis Brothers won the two week championship match on a tie breaker. I had never won before, in any sport, and this one felt good. Popping some bubbly and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue in honor of me and my superior drafting ability.
The election and campaigning is in full swing since its October, though I would rather not get into that now, without being drunk. The Steelers are currently 2-3, after falling to the Titans (Titan Up!) 26-23 this past Thursday, and it might behoove them to go about 5-11 this year and get a top 12 draft pick. Though I am sure they will get healthy and make a run to 10-6 and slip in to the playoffs as a wildcard. That’s just what they do.
The MLB playoffs are in full swing as well. Since tonight there are two series ending games and I have not watched one game yet in the playoffs, much less a nine inning game, I thought this would be an opportunity to watch America’s Team, the Yankees, in their rubber match with the Baltimore Orioles for the right to go to the AL Championship Series, and then Nats-Cardinals in the night cap to go to the NL Championship Series. While I would like to see the Yanks lose, I don’t really want to see the O’s win, as then it calls into question why the Pirates have sucked for 20 consecutive losing seasons (note: that is not a misprint or typo). So, let’s see how this game plays out.
We’ll pick it up in the bottom of the 1st inning, with everyone’s favorite shortstop leading off, Derek Jeter, who is the most overrated shortstop to play the game in the modern era, in my humble opinion. Consistency means something, but he has never been the best shortstop in MLB in his career. I have gotten into arguments over Jeter’s legacy. Is he great? Yes. Is he a Hall of Famer? No doubt. Everyone needs to just get out of his ass. If he doesn’t play in New York, I can’t possibly have this complaint since he wouldn’t get half as much pub as he currently gets. Oh and look at that. Jeter works the count full, and then takes strike three.
Jason Hammel on the hill for Baltimore tonight, with Ichiro up next. Hammel pitched for some time in Colorado, so the move out of Coors Field lowered his ERA to just under 5. Yeah, he is pretty bad. I should automatically like Ichiro since he wears #31, since that was also Reggie Miller’s number for the Pacers back in the day, and he might be my favorite hoops player ever. A soft grounder to second for out number 2. Robby Cano up next. He is the best 2nd baseman in the game right now, and is up for a new contract. Easily, he’ll get 7 years, $140 million. Excuse me, I need to puke now. Cano absolutely murders a ball down the right field line, just foul. Someone got a well-earned souvenir. Soft grounder to first, end of the inning. Due up, Davis, Wieters and my homeboy Manny Machado (who helped lead me to fantasy glory).
By the way, the announcer is Ernie Johnson, whose primary sport is NBA basketball. It’s weird. CC Sabathia on the hill for the Yankees. He is looking a very svelte 500 pounds. Davis taps a roller down the first base line for out number one. I have no idea what CC stands for. Matt Wieters, a stud catcher who the Pirates could have drafted instead of Danny Moskos, a relief pitcher no longer with the organization, steps in and quickly falls behind 1-2. Wicked slider punches out Wieters. It really annoys me that CC wears his cap off center. I know, I know, he’s an individual, let him do what he wants. Manny Machado takes his shot now. I don’t know who the color commentator is, but he is terrible. Machado down on strikes. To the bottom of the second we go. Teixeira, Ibanez (Game 3’s hero) and Nick Swisher due up for the Yanks in the bottom half of the second.
On a fantasy note, Mark Teixeira is one of the most overrated first basemen out there. There I said it. Ground out to Machado at third, one down. Easy play for the kid, who is yet another high draft pick the Pirates could have had. Former Phillie and Mariner Raul Ibanez steps in, looking to repeat his magic from Game 3, but quickly pops up to Adam ‘I’m Not Pac Man’ Jones in center field. Nick Swisher is currently engaged to actress/general hottie Joanna Garcia. I think it pays more than money to be a professional baseball playa (spelling intentional). Hammel takes care of Swisher with another K.
Top of the third will bring up Mark Reynolds. Every time I see major league pitching, I really feel that I could hit it. Maybe not CC, but a soft tosser like Jamie Moyer or Jordan Zimmerman. Reynolds, by the way, holds the single season strikeout record for a batter. That is pretty impressive, at the least. He hacks like nobody in the business. Reynolds is having a great at bat and has worked the count full, making CC throw 10+ pitches, though predictably, he strikes out. He wasn’t even close to contact on that one. Here comes DH Lew Ford, who I have never heard of. The fact that the DH’s name is ‘Lew Ford’ does not bode well for the O’s. He sounds like a car salesman or crooner. We quickly learn thanks to Ernie Johnson why Ford is in the lineup: he has homered twice in his career off of our man CC. CC is working the outer half of the plate as he should, since he is a power pitcher and he should come inside to finish Ford off. Ford pops up to Ichiro in left field for the second out. Let’s see if Robert Andino can bring the pain. My guess? No. He is the #9 hitter for a reason, and Buck Showwalter, the O’s manager, is no dummy. However, Andino is a career .360 hitter when facing CC, but pops to right field to end the top of the third.
Due up for the Yankees is Granderson, Russell Martin and A-Rod’s replacement in the lineup tonight, the oft-injured Eric Chavez. Curtis Granderson hit 43 home runs in the regular season while hitting .232, which is amazing to me. Hammel has a great curve ball and he is using it quite often in the early going. Grandy Man flies to Chris Davis in right field. Catcher Russell Martin clocks one out to our man Not Pac Man Jones for out number two. Chavez can’t stay healthy, he’s getting old and he can’t hit for anything but power. Another fly out to Adam Jones. Nine up and nine down for both CC and Hammel through three innings. Here comes former Pirate Nate McLouth. He was hitting .140 this season with the Bucs before they released him, and now he is starring in the ALDS. And of course, he singles to left and represents the first hit for either team. Nice piece of hitting in taking the gas the other way. JJ Hardy, the shortstop, steps up, and promptly pops out the right field. Here comes Not Pac Man Jones, who had an absolute break out year, about 3 years after it was expected. Jones rips it to the gap, but Granderson tracks it down for the second out. Jones is now 2-21 in the series, only slightly worse that A-Rod’s 2-16 number, which earned him a seat on the bench. Chris Davis is up, looking for a big two out hit. McLouth steals second. Nate must say his prayers every night, going from the outhouse to the penthouse, and having nothing to do with it. On a side note, one of my co-workers is at this game. Davis staying alive with foul balls, on some tough pitches to hit as well. Good job stretching out the pitch count. Davis then pops up to center field.
The sitcom ‘Cougartown’ got booted off ABC and TBS picked it up. Remarkably, Courtney Cox looks better now than she did 15 years ago on ‘Friends’. Guess what? I am still not watching. Jeter steps in, likely to make another out. Color commentator: Jeter is not done with 2 strikes. I know, he still has one more strike to go! Oh and guess what, another Jeter K. Did Buck Showwalter just call himself ‘Captain Obvious’ in a between innings interview? Someone needs to stay off of Urban Dictionary or any show on Nickelodeon. Ichiro will take his hacks now and promptly grounds to Andino at second base. Ernie reminds us that the O’s and Yanks have been neck and neck since about the All Star break, and in fact are an even 11-11 against each other this year. Robby Cano, next up. Hammel is firing darts tonight and appears totally in control of where he is throwing the ball, contrary to any of his previous MLB experience. If the O’s win this game, his performance thus far will be a big part of it. Cano takes strike three right down the pipe. Bad one to strike out on when if he puts a bat on it, it likely leaves the yard, but it looked like he was expecting junk, something off speed. Here come the Orioles!
Matt Wieters upcoming for the O’s, and is 2-18 in the series. Great pitching or horrible hitting? Probably somewhere in the middle. Weiters is working CC nicely in this at bat and CC walks him on 5 pitches. Manger interviews are so useless, just like sideline reporters in college and pro football. The Kid, Manny Machado, is ready to mash. On a side note, A-Rod was benched for this game, which personally I think was an enormous mistake. One way or another, I think he gets a hit in this game that means something. Machado pops up to Cano at second base. Mark Reynolds then lasers one up the middle that may or may not have ricocheted off of CC, and Cano picks it up for the 4-3 double play to end the top half of the fifth. I am so glad I don’t watch commercials, because they all appear to suck.
Teixeira leading it off for the Yanks in the bottom of the fifth. The shift is on in the infield. Does this ever work? Can we get some statistical data on this? I am not sure it even matters. Tex crushes one to right field and it falls in for a single and the first Yankee hit. The shift matters not. Ibanez looking for yet another clutch hit. He’s only in the lineup because he bats left handed, not because he killed it in the regular season. Surprisingly, Tex steals second, as the O’s were not holding him on first. Hundred bucks says Ibanez singles in Tex right now. Baseball managers are the most overrated and useless coaches in all of sports, right next to caddies. Ibanez is working over Hammel here as well, it’s been a very long at bat and the count stands at 3-2. Mr. Joanna Garcia stands on deck. Predictably, Ibanez knocks in Tex with a single up the middle. 1-0 Yankees and you owe me $100. Good thing the Phillies let him go as a free agent. Still no outs on the board yet, and Swisher steps in. Hammel, by the way, looks no older than a high school sophomore. Swisher grounds into a life-saving 6-4-3 double play. Quote from color commentator: ‘I am going to say that is a huge play in this game.’ To quote previously Buck Showwalter, thank you Captain Obvious. I think anyone with a cursory knowledge of baseball could do these guys jobs, and be just as good if not better. Ever heard Tim McCarver for nine innings? Your ears will bleed before it’s over and there is a chance you may go insane from the stupid commentary that T-Mac delivers. Nevertheless, the bases are empty with two out in the bottom of the fifth inning. The Grandy Man comes up hacking at the first pitch he sees. Granderson, on the second pitch, lines a single to right field. Good for him! He is now 2-18 in the series. And we just learned that Justin Verlander, who pitched a 4-hit shutout against Oakland last night to advance the Tigers to the ALCS, is dating SI Swimsuit Issue cover model and ‘actress’ Kate Upton. I am not sure which is the bigger accomplishment for Verlander, but now, I respect him. Granderson swipes second. Tough pitch for Wieters to come up throwing on. Was not even close. Martin flies out to Jones in center field, and the Orioles will get a crack to tie the game up.
Look, I like New York as a city just fine, but can we all just agree that it’s cool and move on? Every movie and sitcom is set there, the NFL awarded a Super Bowl to the NY franchises (NY in the middle of February, the fans will love that) and there are enough anthems about the city to fill an iPod (any size memory of your choosing). We all get it, there’s no place like it. It’s been about enough already. Ok, top of the sixth, and everyone’s favorite DH Lew Ford steps in. Ford smokes one right at Tex at first base and he scoops it up for a 3-unassisted out. Robert Andino is good enough to play for the Pirates, Royals, Padres, Rockies, most Double A teams and my high school team, the Hopewell Vikings. Why he is getting crucial at bats in the playoffs is beyond me. Wasting little time, Andino flies out to Swisher in right field. I have just learned that John Smoltz is one of the announcers and he is pretty good. The other one stinks though, and his identity is yet to be revealed, and probably for good reason. Nate McLouth, we hardly knew you, and he has the only Oriole base knock in the game. Mark Reynolds looks like a friend of mine’s younger brother. Spitting image, it’s scary. Nasty Nate absolutely tees off on a fastball down the right field line towards the foul pole, and it’s called foul. Let’s go to the replay and delay this game 15 minutes. The umpiring crew will review that play, though from the replay, it appears as if the ball hit the foul pole. No clear call here, so we’ll see what the umps come back with. While they are reviewing the play, the Yankee PA system is pumping out ‘Moves Like Jagger’ by immortal, prototypical 2000’s band Maroon 5. Oy vie. The ghosts of Mantle, DiMaggio, Ruth and John Wetteland do not approve. I think the O’s got hosed, as they stick with the original call of foul ball. Predictably, Nasty Nate goes down on strikes on the next pitch, a nasty slider from our boy CC. On to the bottom of the sixth. CC has a one hitter going.
Eric Chavez steps up. This should be A-Rod. At the least, pitchers have to respect him and don’t go right after him like Chavez, who just went down on strikes on three pitches. McLouth rocks the straight bill on his hat? Who knew? Mr. November Derek Jeter steps up to strike out again, though he is 8-21 in this series, so he deserves credit for that. So Verlander (always say his name like Zoolander) is dating Kate Upton, who is approximately 19 years old. JV is 29 years old. How did that go over with Mr. and Mrs. Upton? I mean, 10 years man! 10 years! That’s a lot of ‘experience’ that Kate just doesn’t have. Jeter walks, and former Mariner stud and hero Ichiro will try to push Jeter across, and does so with a double to the right center field gap. Good night Jason Hammel, you done well, son, you done well (considering how bad your career numbers are). Oh wait, Buck leaves him in to face Cano. I am not sure about this. Cano seems like he is due to pop one. Marvcus Patton, I mean, Troy Patton warming in the bullpen (Marvcus Patton was a linebacker for the Redskins back in the 90s, and has the greatest first name ever. Like his parents could not decide between ‘Marvin’ and ‘Marcus’. This can be done with other names as well I am sure. Let me think about this.). Cano is hacking. He clearly wants to hit it out of the bandbox that is Yankee Stadium. Instead, he watches strike three across the top of the strike zone. Beautiful pitch by Hammel. Tex will be intentionally walked to face Mr. Clutch, Raul Ibanez. Captain Obvious comes out of the dugout and they will turn to lefty Troy (Marvcus) Patton to induce the third out. (Much like the word ‘ensuing’, which can only be used to describe kickoffs in football, ‘induce’ is used in only two logical places: inducing labor to have a baby, and inducing a double play in baseball.) A-Rod! A-Rod! A-Rod! Will there be a better time to pinch hit A-Rod than now? Craig Sager, best sport coats ever. Period. End of discussion. Ibanez rips one barely foul. Game over if that is fair. Raul down on strikes, swinging thankfully. No hitter should ever go down looking. Since there are two strikes, you need to be protecting the plate. Duh. On to the seventh inning, and CC remains on the hill.
Hardy to lead things off and he immediately directs one to Cano for out number one. Not Pac Man is up next, and he has gained a reputation for chewing lots and lots of bubble gum. C’mon, be a major leaguer and chew tobacco. Even the players’ wives do it (source: ‘The Naked Gun’). Jones is down on strikes in three pitches. Ernie Johnson: ‘Sabathia made him look bad.’ And I could not agree more. Chris Davis pops up harmlessly to the Grandy Man and we head to the bottom of the seventh.
As a general rule, I do not care for Bruce Springsteen or Pearl Jam. Now that MLB has made a Bruce song its theme of the playoffs, I will be fast forwarding through this. TBS finally decides to let us know that the other color analyst is Cal Ripken, who has been less than impressive with his effort tonight. He just doesn’t seem all that seasoned at the announcing gig. Swisher to lead things off for the Yankees. Stop showing Mariano Rivera! He had a serious knee injury and will not pitch tonight. Mr. Garcia (Nick Swisher) flips to the right side to face Marvcus, I mean, Troy Patton. Swisher has some serious eye black on tonight. Not in the neighborhood of boy wonder Bryce Harper, but impressive nonetheless. Swisher is out on three pitches. Patton busted him inside and Nicky had no chance. Granderson has been terrible in this series. Really earning that paycheck, big fella. On cue, Granderson crushes one into the right field bleachers, to make the score 3-0 Yankees. Russell Martin should just end this inning asap. The Orioles have one hit. A comeback is about 0.0001% likely at this point. But that is why they play the game, and you PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. –H. Edwards. Martin grounds out to My Boy Manny Machado for the second out. It’s enough with Eric Chavez already. He strikes out on five pitches. More Bruce to take us to the eighth inning.
My only question now is if CC will close out this game or they will replace him. CC is out there for the eighth, against Matt Wieters, who immediately singles to left. It only took 7 full innings to get two hits! My Boy Manny Machado has a chance to do some damage here. Smoltz makes a great point. O’s hitters have gotten to 2-0 counts several times in the game against CC and have refused to unload on an obvious strike (that could be hit out of the ball park) on the third pitch since they are trying to increase CC’s pitch count. My Boy Manny Machado works a walk, and it’s now first and second, nobody out, with noted power hitter/strike out artist Mark Reynolds walking to the dish, and not surprisingly, is hacking right away. CC is having trouble throwing strikes in this inning. This has to be his last hitter, unless there is a double play of some sort. He has thrown a ton of pitches to this point. Reynolds hacks at the 3-1 and fouls it back. It was right down Broadway and he just missed it. A game of inches. Huge pitch as CC comes at him with a change up for a swinging strike three. Nice job by our boy CC. The immortal Lew Ford is next up. And of course, on cue, the immortal Lew Ford singles to left to bring in Wieters from second base, 3-1 Yankees, and….GOOD GOD, is that Robert Andino’s music???? Boy, could the O’s really use Nick Markakis at the moment (or anyone else not named Andino), but he is injured and out for the playoffs. CC is hitting his spots against Andino and has him 1-2. Bob Andino chops one just past the pitchers’ mound, CC fields it then fires to second but the immortal Lew Ford beats the throw. Bases loaded with Orioles for everyone’s favorite Pirate castoff, Nasty Nate McLouth. Ernie Johnson sounds nervous. Admittedly, I am a bit so as well. CC is laboring now and looks frustrated, but comes back to strike out Nate. Nothing makes me happier than upset Yankee fans. They don’t know what it’s like to cheer for a loser. Up to the plate is JJ Hardy, bases still loaded, and CC is up to 108 pitches. He is done after Hardy, whether he gets him out or lets up a hit. Hardy looks over matched in this at bat and the count sits at 1-2. Hardy chops a slow roller to Jeter who makes a really nice play (one he has made a million times by the way) and CC is out of a big time jam.
Enter Pedro Strop for the Orioles. Baltimore had a shutdown bullpen in the regular season, so it’s no surprise to see them doing it now in the playoffs. Jeter leads it off in the bottom of the eighth and weakly grounds out to Bob Andino at second base. That’s just what future Hall of Famers do: ground out weakly in big spots. Ripken just said that Mark Reynolds has ‘good legs’. Is he talking about Kate Upton or Reynolds? Uh, gross. Ichiro, who has a massive porn collection, no wait, that is Hideki Matsui, former Yankee, will hit now and walks for the first base runner of the inning. Captain Obvious pays a visit to the mound. Talented pitcher/noted bust Brian Matusz will take his turn on the hill in a relief role. On one pitch, Matusz induces a double play and we go to the ninth inning.
CC stays on the hill to finish the job and face Not Pac Man, Chris Davis and Matt Wieters. I bet Jones’ dentist makes a killing off of him from all the bubble gum he chews. Jones pops it to left where defensive sub Brett Gardner makes the grab for out number one. The Yankees are 92-0 in the post season when leading after eight innings. That’s great, but it has absolutely no bearing on tonight. Chris Davis is hacking and falls behind 0-2. Davis strikes out on a pitch that would have gone over the Empire State Building, it was that high out of the strike zone. Wieters will try to extend the Orioles’ season. And he fails, chopping a slow roller back to CC and the game is over. It will be Yankees and Tigers in the ALCS. Most annoying thing about a Yankee win? Undoubtedly, the playing of Sinatra’s version of ‘New York, New York’. To repeat, we get it. You’re in New York, it’s a great town, we all love it.
On that note, I definitely have carpal tunnel now, but will soldier ahead for Game 5 of Cardinals at Nationals.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
"Take My Eyes But Not The Shirt!": Aldous Snow and Sarah Marshall
I am a big fan of lists and 'desert island' choices. I can never pick a favorite beer or whiskey, sitcom, murder mystery, Broadway show or rapper/rock band. Call me indecisive or something else, but no matter how passionately I love something in particular (see: Snoop Dogg's solo debut, Doggystyle), I always feel that I need that selection or alternative (see: Eminem's The Slim Shady LP). I love Seinfeld, but after seeing each episode at least four times in the past 15 years, its nice to have Modern Family or The Office to turn to. When I first saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall in the fall of 2008, the stars were aligned for me to love the movie and make it my 'desert island' comedy movie. Going back to the premise of this whole shebang, I crave entertainment value, and if I am expected to be entertained on a desert island with nothing but a DVD player, tv, endless food and drink, and one DVD? Its going to be Forgetting Sarah Marshall, at the expense of several other films that are classics in their own right. So back to the stars being aligned.
In 2008, I was on my way home from Hawaii to the east coast and stopped in San Diego. Lets just say that the pay per view choices at the hotel near Mission Bay were quite limited, to the point that I 'accidentally' ordered The Clone Wars (the Star Wars spin off animated series). Also, FSM happened to be released nationwide into theaters on my birthday of that year. I fell in love with Hawaii while visiting and the movie takes place on Oahu. One of its stars, Mila Kunis, owns the same first name as my niece, and I am as tall as Jason Segel (ok, the last one I made up). Anyway, I pretty much defaulted to the movie not expecting anything. It is a very simple story: man gets heart broken by woman, man vacations and inevitably runs into said woman, man meets other woman, man finds life is better without previous woman, man writes puppet opera to rave reviews. Yes, that is the simplistic storyline, 'man' being Jason Segel, 'woman' being Kristen Bell (I have a somewhat undying crush on her, she just seems like an incredibly cool chick), and 'other woman' being Mila Kunis.
To this day, I still cannot say what I like best about the movie. Certainly there are the one-liners, and Bell and Segel have great chemistry as a couple and otherwise. Russel Brand, as British rock legend and sex savant Aldous Snow, was an absolute revelation to me. I had never heard of him prior to seeing the movie, and for me, he absolutely stole the show. The joint dinner scene is his shining moment, in addition to his songs ('Inside of You' and 'We Gotta Do Something') and his first scene, 'Excuse me misses, I've lost a shoe....'
Anyway, the four main cast members (Segel, Brand, Bell and Kunis) are all fantastic. Even the cameos, like Paul Rudd as Kunu the surf instructor or Bill Hader (already extremely positively reviewed on SNL) as Segel's brother-in-law, contribute very well to the story and comedy. Fact is, I never, ever get tired of this movie. I own a Blu Ray copy and anytime its on cable, I have a lot of trouble turning it off if I in fact turn it on. Not only is it a relatable story (except for the puppet opera), but there is just the right amount of 'sad bastard' factor to make it enjoyable to women and men alike. Throw in the fact that it is bookended by full frontal Jason Segel nudity (don't worry, its just a quick flash and it won't make you gay if you think its funny), and this instantly becomes my 'desert island' comedy film.
Yes, she is the voice of Meg Griffin, and Rachel Jansen in FSM.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Who Green Lit This and How Can We Copy It?
Have you ever seen a trailer for a movie and think, "How the hell did that get green lighted?" Here's an example, just a little sample: The Master of Disguise, Jack and Jill, The Love Guru, Santa With Muscles, From Justin to Kelly, The Hottie and the Nottie. Really, just sample the IMDB Bottom 100 and you cannot go wrong. The other Hollywood trend that really bothers me is the insistence on remakes and knockoffs. Look, Michael Bay's CGI orgasm that is Transformers was bad enough, but do we really need a knock off with half the CGI quality called 'Transmorphers'? Or remaking 'The Karate Kid', which was a staple for any kid like me growing up in the 80s. It just doesn't seem right. Its so funny and violent and the soundtrack kicks ass.
More than anything, its a case of the remakers thinking they can do something better and more updated than the original. The original Karate Kid does not depend at all on technology, which is really the only reason to update and remake a film in this day and age. A show like '24' could never have been made in 1985 to the effect that it was in the last 10 years. Cell phones and technology make the feel of the show and the pursuit of the criminals somewhat realistic and that this scenario could actually happen. The fact that the plot is usually foiled by Jack Bauer and CTU in 24 or less is the biggest stretch to reality that I can see. Racing through the first four seasons in two months in order to catch up before season five's premier a few years back was exhilarating. The writers were brilliant at one thing: cliffhangers. It's the 'always leave 'em wanting more' type of writing, and it was so effective that they show became less enjoyable when watching it on a weekly basis.
Its strange to think, but are we running out of original ideas to transfer to the silver screen and home box office, aka, your television? I suppose that the only limit on stories that can be told is how far the human imagination can go. But, really, have you seen some of the garbage that has been made in recent years or even the weekly lineup on the major networks? And don't get me wrong, it has always been this way and is not a recent development. I also realize that, much like the internet, there seems to be a market for just about everything. However, in pop culture, size matters....that's what she said. Market size, that is, if you want to make any money.
A quick look through each networks' lineup reveals just eight programs that I record and watch on a weekly basis (Family Guy, New Girl, Fringe, Parks and Rec, The Office, Hawaii Five-0, Modern Family and Revenge), out of a possible, by my count 69 shows or 72 total hours of programming (8-11 every night, Sunday through Friday). Combined, these shows last just 5.5 hours ( 3.67 hours not counting commercials since I don't watch them - thanks, DVR). Two shows basically have no appeal to me any longer (New Girl and Hawaii Five-0), but I dutifully record them anyway, at lease until the summer.
Let's take a quick look at some select prime time shows on the four major US networks (NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox), their premise and originality factor. There are no fewer than 19 police/legal procedurals on the four major networks this coming week. They exist in every time slot and pretty much every variation you can imagine. But, as I explained in an earlier post, they always get their man in 44 minutes of television time. A show like Dateline, which airs in the cemetery of television ratings at 10 pm on Friday night on NBC, can give a much more accurate portrayal of crimes as they are actually happening in real life than any CSI ever can. I understand that writers cannot always reflect accurately how police procedure is executed, so they need to cut some corners to speed up the story. They do it in the most crucial part of the (real life) investigation: collecting evidence and lab results. This usually happen in about 10 minutes on Hawaii Five-0. Its why I dislike SVU, CSI, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime and Blue Bloods. There seems to be so little realism in the story telling that its impossible to be drawn in. Its one thing to feign realism on Once Upon a Time, because the show is supposed to be fantasized. But the police dramas are not, which makes an hour homicide investigation extremely unrealistic, a season-long investigation show like the aforementioned The Killing or off-beat black comedy/drama Harpers Island. Plus, how many ways can a person be murdered? Writers can get really creative. Its a reason that I admire Dexter: he's found the way he likes to kill someone, and sticks to that method. Though even Dexter I am afraid will eventually have to run its course. How many serial killers exist in Miami anyway?
There is truly a formula for police procedurals, and since I will never be able to describe it better here is the method for writing a police drama. Its about halfway down the page.
To my surprise, there were only a handful of hospital dramas on during the week, highlighted by House and Grey's Anatomy, two shows that I have never seen and will never watch (House is ending in a few weeks, and Grey's has absolutely no appeal to me).
The other major category is reality programming, if you can even call it that anymore. The Amazing Race has a pretty cool concept. Survivor (I have never seen this show), The Apprentice (I could never willfully watch The Donald), Dancing with the Stars, The Voice (one of the judges is Adam Levine of Maroon 5-I like Levine and Maroon 5 well enough, but is he really qualified to judge a voice competition?), American Idol, The Biggest Loser, Fashion Star and Shark Tank are all competition 'reality' shows. The winner usually flames out and never really does anything else noteworthy, career-wise, with the lone exception being Kelly Clarkson from American Idol.
That leaves just 'comedy' on the remainder of the schedule. I use quotations on the word comedy because in my opinion, most of it isn't funny. Its cliched, and its usually very easy to guess where the characters will end up by the end of the show. Remember the Gilmore Girls? Great show, right? Wrong. And I am not just saying that because I am a guy. We already knew it was scripted, but everyone on the show talked like robots. How can I possibly enjoy it? Just give me the script already and I can read it on my own time.
In all fairness, I have never seen 2 Broke Girls or How I met Your Mother (I have heard that stupid Neil Patrick Harris quote "Legen-----wait for it----dary!" about a billion times without ever seeing 2 minutes of the show). Just know that the link is 9+ minutes of Barney Stinson catch phrases. NINE MINUTES! Cosmo Kramer is arguably the wackiest character ever to appear in primetime, and I bet you could get 2 minutes of catch phrases out of him, tops. Others I have not sampled: 30 Rock, American Dad, The Cleveland Show and the Rules of Engagement (Spade = not really that funny anymore).
There is a lot of crap on television these days, and more channels does not mean more selection. It means more crap. If you can think of it, there will be a market for you to sell the product to. How a show with the title 'Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23' ever got made is beyond me. The title alone makes me not want to watch it and I happen to like Krysten Ritter (the star, who was fantastic in Breaking Bad). I would feel embarrassed if someone came to my home and saw that on my DVR. And that goes for most everything on prime time lineups through the week. I knew there was a reason I watched a lot of sports!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Saturday Night Live - Sophia Vergara
I think that I am the last fan of Saturday Night Live. Anytime I ask someone if they have seen the show over the weekend, I invariably get the same response: no. Of course I was a huge fan back in the Mike Myers-Phil Hartman-Tim Meadows-Kevin Nealon-Farley-Spade-Sandler days of the late 80s and early 90s. I have never felt one way or another about Will Ferrell (he is definitely funny but I don’t think he is some comedic genius like others do) and I have had some favorites over the years such as Bill Hader (criminally underrated, his Stefon character has taken on a life of its own), Kristin Wiig, Amy Poehler, Darrell Hammond, Chris Elliott, Dennis Miller, Chris Rock and Andy Samberg, the driving force behind the skit that got me back into the show back in 2005, the Digital Short. Since the news came out this week that Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig and Andy Samberg (three heavy hitters) will be leaving the show following the season, I hope that the cast can continue on what has been a pretty good run the past 5 years. There has been a great variety of guest hosts and, not that I pay much attention to this, musical guests as well, with one in particular who has used the show to transform his career.
Justin Timberlake may now be more known as a comedic actor than a pop singer. His guest appearances as a host and on the Digital Shorts have been nothing short of brilliant. The ‘D--- in a Box’, ‘Mother Lover’ and ‘3-Way’ trifecta of rap songs is better than just about anything out there in hip hop now. Except for this and this. By the way, Party Rock Anthem has over 400 million Youtube views.
JT has completely reinvented his career (not that it was ever in trouble to begin with) thanks to SNL opening up doors to other acting opportunities, as well as his appearances on Fallon's History of Rap mash ups. Clearly, he has always been talented, and maybe SNL just took him a level higher.
So with that, here is a rundown of the April 7th show, which started off with Sudeikis as Mitt Romney, which in my opinion has run its course, or maybe this just isn’t Sudeikis’ strong suit. Not sure who the writers will get to portray Romney come election time since he is leaving the show.
As usual, the Republicans are the butt of the joke (maybe for good reason) and this particular skit features Mitt going across the Midwest campaigning, while saying that he is a fan of everything, everywhere. Not particularly funny or interesting. Your host for tonight’s festivities is Sophia Vergara, from the instant classic sitcom ‘Modern Family’. The monologue usually is just a formality and this follows suit. I get it, she is very attractive (and was just named the world’s most desirable woman), has that Spanish accent (that you either love or hate), and has her breasts featured pretty prominently in anything she does. Hey, if you have assets, use them. Good for her.
Next on the list is an advertisement ‘Just Friends Booty Shorts’, which on one pair says ‘Just’ and the other pair says ‘Friends’. They are of course designed to ensure that people do not think that you are the person you are shopping with are a gay couple. Samberg and Sudeikis play the couple, and it’s pretty funny, especially at the end when they take it a step further with the ‘Not’ and ‘Gay’ tank tops.
Next up is Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel. Zooey is absolutely nailed by Abby Elliott, daughter of former cast member Chris, and I even like Zooey. She hangs out with Michael Cera, again played very well by Taran Killam. Wiig comes in as Drew Barrymore, and there is no doubt that she is the star of the show, because after that, she sketch focuses on Wiig. I am just waiting for Sofia’s cameo, and here it comes with her portraying Fran Drescher, and for a loud mouth like Sofia, this is a perfect celeb impression. Andy Samberg pops ups as former ‘Blossom’ star Miam Bialik. This is clearly the best part of the skit for me.
Another commercial for something called Almost Pizza, where Hader and Wiig are making Almost Pizza, made by Pfizer. Wiig is encouraging Hader and their daughter to eat the pizza but he is skeptical that it is not actually pizza, until the situation escalates and Hader gets angry. He hits the slice of pizza out of his daughter’s hand and it breaks like fine china. Very funny, actually.
News broadcast, with Sofia, Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. I just don’t get Armisen. He does a good impression of Obama, but not much else in my opinion. I am fast forwarding through this one. He plays an idiot newscaster who can’t turn to the camera. No thanks.
After the commercial we come back to Sofia teaching a sex education class. Oh no, another Gilly sketch. This is the one character that Wiig does that I am not a fan of . I guess I am just not sure why it’s supposed to be funny. Wiig is awesome but I can’t laugh just because it’s her. And Bobby Moynihan is only funny in one role, as Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’. It is very weird, that some sketches are so funny and others just aren’t at all. There is no middle ground. The musical guest is some band called One Direction. They look like a bunch of Beiber clones. I am sure that you can bet where I am going with this. I will take a pass on this musical guest.
And with that, we are halfway through the show. Time for weekend update with Seth Myers. I like Myers well enough, and seeing as it’s an election year, 75% of the jokes are political, which he does well. Drunk Uncle, played by Moynihan, could go either way. Unfortunately, it does not turn out all that well. Again, I am just not a fan of Moynihan, so this might have played well, I just would not know for sure. Weekend Update is usually pretty good. I was always a fan of Dennis Miller and Kevin Nealon as the hosts of WU. And of course, Norm McDonald was classic as well, until he was unceremoniously fired.
Anytime The Manuel Ortiz Show is presented (a Telemundo show hosted by Manuel Ortiz, played by Armisen), it is usually both the worst and best moment of the show. The content usually stinks, but for some reason, when Manuel introduces a new guest, which is usually every 30 seconds, they play this up tempo Spanish song and everyone gets up and dances. Always makes me crack up for some reason. And Hader has been more fantastic than usual on this week’s edition.
I have seen this one before. Little Poundcake is a doll for little girls that regularly administers the HPV antiviruses to protect the girls from HPV. Very funny, and I have to wonder just how far away we are as a society from this becoming reality. I mean, New York City schools are trying to ban references to dinosaurs as to avoid offending creationist. Schools in England are encouraging children not to have a best friend so that they will not have to experience a falling out or heartbreak. Kids are being babied these days and for all the wrong reasons.
Howard Stern as an America’s Got Talent judge? I stopped listening to Howard like 12 years ago, so good for him. Next is a spoof on a Bravo show with some guy named Andy Cohen. I don’t know who that is and have no desire to find out. Although Samberg as a gay prostitute/bartender/wannabe Hollister model is funny. But not funny? Keenan Thompson. The 'What's up with that' sketch is just terrible, but its the go-to for Keenan. He has to be funny at something, just not sure they have found it yet. Yes, Good Burger was great (for 10-year olds) but I am not sure why he is on the show....never mind, I do know why he is one the show. On a side note, not only do we get to see Sophia in every sketch, but also pretty much every product that she endorses has run commercials during the broadcast. I mean, her boobs definitely don’t sell the products, right? Another ‘performance’ by One Direction. I am officially afraid for the music scene in America.
Next to last sketch, and it’s time to call it a wrap. Sofia and ‘Penelope Cruz’ are filming a Pantene commercial. I don’t know who is playing Penelope but she is pretty funny. Ah, this one is ok, not the best effort but certainly not the worst, as they prominently display Sophia's assests. They wrap up the show with a spoof on The Hunger Games, with Vergara playing, literally, a field reporter who is interviewing the contestants while the games are in progress. If you are familiar with The Hunger Games, this is pretty funny. She is just playing herself and being loud and obnoxious the whole time. They still kill Rue, though.
All in all, an up and down effort this week. Sofia, Samberg, ‘Penelope Cruz’, Sudeikis and Wiig were solid, the musical guest was terrible, and the commercial for ‘Just Friends Booty Shorts’ was the best moment of the night. Until next week…
Friday, April 6, 2012
A List of Lists
I have been play fantasy sports for about 12 years now. When I casually mention this to someone who doesn't play fantasy sports, it generally invokes an eyeroll. Look, much like my choices with music and film, I can see how this particular form of entertainment and 'competition' does not appeal to a mass audience. I will just say this: if it weren't for a highly competitve baseball league that i have been a member of for 6 seasons, I would never have re-discovered my love for America's Pasttime (baseball). Also, I can think of a lot worse ways to spend $200 per year that have no chance of recovering that investment (or earning off of it in the inexplicable chance that actually win one of these years) in addition to keeping me out of trouble.
So anyhow, what does my obsession with fantasy baseball have to do with a list of lists? Nerd alert: this is simply a formula employed by Matthew Berry, an ESPN ‘personality’ who gives fantasy sports advice and someone I read often, and the concept belongs to him. It can be applied to nearly any topic that a list can be made of, and since everyone loves lists, why not?
Past fantasy sports team names (I have never won with any of these team names):
• Blondes Not Bombs (Flight of the Conchords reference)
• On a Boat (Lonely Island song)
• Legion of Poon (an homage to Jeff Carter and Mike Richards, formerly of the Flyers)
• 2 Championships, 1 Year (Steelers and Penguins, 2009)
• Smoak Monster (Lost and Seattle’s Justin Smoak)
• The Never Nudes (AD)
• Lord Calvert’s Army (the terrible Canadian whisky)
Last Bands/Singers/Rappers I listened to on my commute (and favorite song by them):
• The Black Keys (Dead and Gone)
• Eminem (We Made You and Just Lose It – Tie for 1st)
• Adele (Set Fire to the Rain)
• LMFAO (Sorry for Party Rocking - I never purposely put them on, but if it happens to come on, I don’t turn it)
• The Lonely Island (The Golden Rule)
• Flight of the Conchords (Business Time)
• Stephen Lynch (Priest and 3 Balloons – Tie for 1st)
Movies I hated that everyone else seems to love, or at least like:
• Anchorman (I have never made it start to finish)
• Sin City
• Super Troopers (I can understand how people could like it, it’s just not my bag)
• Black Swan (except for that one part)
• Transformers (the entire trilogy – CGI can only take you so far)
• Talladega Nights
• Glengarry Glen Ross
Movies that should not be remade in my lifetime:
• Back to the Future Part I
• Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI
• The Godfather
• Titanic (it’s true, it’s a modern day classic and the top grossing movie of all time)
• American Psycho
• Goodfellas
• Caddyshack
• Animal House
• Fight Club
Short list of Modern Films that never should have been re-made:
• The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio > Jayden Smith)
• Arthur (and I am a Russell Brand fan)
• Bad News Bears
• Brian’s Song (the original is criminally underrated)
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu, really?)
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
• The Longest Yard
• Miracle of 34th Street
• Night of the Living Dead
• Planet of the Apes (“just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it isn’t true”)
• Psycho (see: Planet of the Apes)
Movies that Al Pacino never should have come near:
• S1mone
• Gigli
• The Godfather Part III
• Dick Tracy
• Scorpion King 3: The Battle for Redemption (ok, he’s not actually in this one)
Top Guest Spots on Seinfeld:
• Soup Nazi/Yev Kasem (Larry Thomas)
• Dr. Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston)
• Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller)
• J. Peterman (John O’Hurley)
• David Puddy (Patrick Watburton)
• Kenny Bania (Stevey Hynter)
Top Guest Spots on Arrested Development:
• Rita Leeds (Charlize Theron)
• Barry Zuckercorn (Henry Winkler)
• Lucille ‘2’ (Liza Minelli-the object of Buster’s affection)
• STEVE HOLT! (Justin Grant Wade)
• Bob Loblaw (no double talk, just Scott Baio)
• J. Walter Weatherman (Steve Ryan)
Movies that I am ashamed to say I saw in the theater:
• Riding in Cars with Boys
• Sin City
• Father of the Bride (multiple occasions)
• Titanic (multiple occasions)
• The Ladies Man
• Night at the Roxbury
Best premium channel shows (that I have seen):
• Curb Your Enthusism
• Dexter
• Homeland
• Game of Thrones
• Extras
• Band of Brothers/The Pacific
• Flight of the Conchords
• Weeds
• The Tudors
• Dead Like Me
My ‘desert island’ dvds:
• The Super Bowl history of the Pittsburgh Steelers
• Arrested Development
• American Psycho
• WCW Most Outrageous Moments
• Baseball by Ken Burns
Best Shots (or otherwise single serving drinks):
• Irish Carbomb
• Irish Breakfast (2 shot glasses, 1 straight OJ, 1 half Jameson, half Buttershots, take alcohol first and follow immediately with OJ….Pancakes!)
• Makers Mark/Knob Creek/Crown Royal/Jameson straight up
• 3 Wisemen (Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam)
• Jaegermeister
• Jaegermeister + Goldschlager + Grand Marnier
• Grand Marnier (unchilled)
• Patron
And lastly, the list that has sparked a million arguments,
Best James Bonds
• Sean Connery/Daniel Craig – Tie for 1st
• Pierce Brosnan
• All the rest
• George Lazenby
So anyhow, what does my obsession with fantasy baseball have to do with a list of lists? Nerd alert: this is simply a formula employed by Matthew Berry, an ESPN ‘personality’ who gives fantasy sports advice and someone I read often, and the concept belongs to him. It can be applied to nearly any topic that a list can be made of, and since everyone loves lists, why not?
Past fantasy sports team names (I have never won with any of these team names):
• Blondes Not Bombs (Flight of the Conchords reference)
• On a Boat (Lonely Island song)
• Legion of Poon (an homage to Jeff Carter and Mike Richards, formerly of the Flyers)
• 2 Championships, 1 Year (Steelers and Penguins, 2009)
• Smoak Monster (Lost and Seattle’s Justin Smoak)
• The Never Nudes (AD)
• Lord Calvert’s Army (the terrible Canadian whisky)
Last Bands/Singers/Rappers I listened to on my commute (and favorite song by them):
• The Black Keys (Dead and Gone)
• Eminem (We Made You and Just Lose It – Tie for 1st)
• Adele (Set Fire to the Rain)
• LMFAO (Sorry for Party Rocking - I never purposely put them on, but if it happens to come on, I don’t turn it)
• The Lonely Island (The Golden Rule)
• Flight of the Conchords (Business Time)
• Stephen Lynch (Priest and 3 Balloons – Tie for 1st)
Movies I hated that everyone else seems to love, or at least like:
• Anchorman (I have never made it start to finish)
• Sin City
• Super Troopers (I can understand how people could like it, it’s just not my bag)
• Black Swan (except for that one part)
• Transformers (the entire trilogy – CGI can only take you so far)
• Talladega Nights
• Glengarry Glen Ross
Movies that should not be remade in my lifetime:
• Back to the Future Part I
• Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI
• The Godfather
• Titanic (it’s true, it’s a modern day classic and the top grossing movie of all time)
• American Psycho
• Goodfellas
• Caddyshack
• Animal House
• Fight Club
Short list of Modern Films that never should have been re-made:
• The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio > Jayden Smith)
• Arthur (and I am a Russell Brand fan)
• Bad News Bears
• Brian’s Song (the original is criminally underrated)
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu, really?)
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
• The Longest Yard
• Miracle of 34th Street
• Night of the Living Dead
• Planet of the Apes (“just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it isn’t true”)
• Psycho (see: Planet of the Apes)
Movies that Al Pacino never should have come near:
• S1mone
• Gigli
• The Godfather Part III
• Dick Tracy
• Scorpion King 3: The Battle for Redemption (ok, he’s not actually in this one)
Top Guest Spots on Seinfeld:
• Soup Nazi/Yev Kasem (Larry Thomas)
• Dr. Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston)
• Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller)
• J. Peterman (John O’Hurley)
• David Puddy (Patrick Watburton)
• Kenny Bania (Stevey Hynter)
Top Guest Spots on Arrested Development:
• Rita Leeds (Charlize Theron)
• Barry Zuckercorn (Henry Winkler)
• Lucille ‘2’ (Liza Minelli-the object of Buster’s affection)
• STEVE HOLT! (Justin Grant Wade)
• Bob Loblaw (no double talk, just Scott Baio)
• J. Walter Weatherman (Steve Ryan)
Movies that I am ashamed to say I saw in the theater:
• Riding in Cars with Boys
• Sin City
• Father of the Bride (multiple occasions)
• Titanic (multiple occasions)
• The Ladies Man
• Night at the Roxbury
Best premium channel shows (that I have seen):
• Curb Your Enthusism
• Dexter
• Homeland
• Game of Thrones
• Extras
• Band of Brothers/The Pacific
• Flight of the Conchords
• Weeds
• The Tudors
• Dead Like Me
My ‘desert island’ dvds:
• The Super Bowl history of the Pittsburgh Steelers
• Arrested Development
• American Psycho
• WCW Most Outrageous Moments
• Baseball by Ken Burns
Best Shots (or otherwise single serving drinks):
• Irish Carbomb
• Irish Breakfast (2 shot glasses, 1 straight OJ, 1 half Jameson, half Buttershots, take alcohol first and follow immediately with OJ….Pancakes!)
• Makers Mark/Knob Creek/Crown Royal/Jameson straight up
• 3 Wisemen (Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam)
• Jaegermeister
• Jaegermeister + Goldschlager + Grand Marnier
• Grand Marnier (unchilled)
• Patron
And lastly, the list that has sparked a million arguments,
Best James Bonds
• Sean Connery/Daniel Craig – Tie for 1st
• Pierce Brosnan
• All the rest
• George Lazenby
A Quick Word About College Basketball
It’s the NCAA men’s basketball title game tonight, so this will be a sports rant. First off, let me say this about the state of college basketball. Any fan of the game can clearly see the impact of the NBA game on college basketball. Kentucky, currently leading by 16 points near the end of the first half, plays a brand of basketball that I can only compare to the Miami Heat. It seems as though they have 5 games of one on one happening at the same time. Nobody moves or cuts to create passing lanes, pick and rolls are non-existent, and the Cats are not shy about jacking up three pointers as opposed to making the extra pass for a layup. Know why? Because if you sink a deep three, you get on SportsCenter, you get noticed, and the public thinks you are a much better basketball player than you actually are. The college game (and NBA game for that matter) has changed so much just in the last 15 years. It has evolved into a ‘look at me’ culture that encourages individuality and showboating as opposed to teamwork and sacrifice. Norman Dale wasn’t right about everything, but he sure knew how to instill discipline in his team.
I am glad that I am watching this game on delay via DVR, because I have absolute zero interest in hearing President Obama’s thoughts on the state of college basketball. And just for the record, I would be saying this no matter who the president was. I am interested if he is discussing fiscal responsibility with my tax dollars, not so much on which defense is better, the zone or man-to-man. Thank God for the DVR. Kentucky leads by 14 at halftime, they have won 40 straight games after leading at halftime (should I even keep watching?), and CBS, ‘America’s Most Watched Network’ (can I get some proof of that please?), has not shown Ashley Judd once. Ashley Judd, the fine actress and the only reportedly sane member of the Judd family, is from Kentucky and their self-proclaimed #1 fan. Hooray! Go Cats!
Kansas has scored six straight points to cut the lead to 12, and I am starting to think that this is going to be a good rivalry from two power programs. Oh wait, that’s right, 80% of the starters in this game are leaving early for the NBA draft. See what I mean? For every LeBron James or Carmelo Anthony, there are 10 Chris Tafts of Stromile Swifts (underclassmen who left college early and flamed out). I guess they are just kids, really, who have agents whispering their ears to go pro and ‘get your money’. It’s difficult to place all of the blame on them, but they do need to absorb responsibility for their actions, positively or negatively, which a as a sidebar, is a huge problem in society today. Under 16 minute time out, Kentucky by 13, and 4 minutes later the lead has been cut to 10. Maybe I should stick with this game and leave my date with Patty Hewes for tomorrow. This game suddenly just got interesting. Updated: Kentucky ended up winning by eight despite a furious rally by Kansas. The teams I routinely route against always seem to win. Darn.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Glenn Close is Evil
So here we are, the Season Two premiere of one of the most universally criticized crime dramas maybe of all time, but not according to The Philadelphia Inquirer, The New York Times (all the news that matters), and The Hollywood Reporter.
I paid particular attention to the premier episode of ‘The Killing’, since after all it is the catalyst for my previous ranting. The main detective, Sara Linden (played by Mireille Enos), reminds me of physically of nobody that I can pinpoint, however the way she plays the Linden is similar to how Natalie Portman played Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace: very stone-faced with a monotone delivery. She doesn’t care about anything but Rosie’s case, and that includes her child and pending move from Seattle to San Francisco. I don’t mind all that. I think the she is good enough in the role. She doesn’t have to carry the show since it is very much an ensemble show. Tonight’s episode offered some explanation of what went on in the finale last season. Darren Richmond, the mayoral candidate, has been rendered paralyzed due to Rosie’s angry ‘uncle’ shooting him in the spine at the very end of the previous season. He subsequently has all charges dropped against him and the case is re-opened. The thing is, it’s kind of hard to solve a murder when the police seem to be motivated to leave it unsolved or pin it on someone else. There are dirty cops and Rosie’s father attempting to take the law into his own hands. The lone thing that bothered me about season one was the fact that Linden and her partner, Holder (Joel Kinnamann, who is fantastic), had their suspect in 13 days. A mysterious murder with more layers than an onion is solved in 13 days? Let’s try to keep some of the realism in this story. (Note: that is my older brother’s attitude coming out of my mouth for reasons unknown.) The writers tell you who is dirty, but have not given their reasons for being dirty. This is a very brief summary, but I liked what I saw from the 2-hour premiere, and AMC has promised an ‘explosive’ season. I guess we’ll see.
Family Guy’s episode, ‘You Can’t Do That on Television, Peter’, started off with one of Peter’s best ideas, a coffee table book called ‘Lesbian Butts in 80’s Jeans’. Ok, I am hooked. The gag that made this particular episode awesome was the Saggy Maggie puppet that Peter uses to vent his frustrations about Lois’ constant nagging on his new kids television show on public access. This show continues to impress me with just how politically incorrect they can be. It’s like they are trying hard to piss off the FCC. This is one of those shows that I can totally understand why some like it and others don’t, and it definitely does not have universal appeal. But if you meet another passionate Family guy fan, that conversation can last hours. And there seems to be no middle ground. Nobody ever says they watch it casually. They either hate it or love it. There has been just one episode that I have seen and didn’t automatically love: ‘Brian and Stewie’. Originally an hour-long episode, it centers on the fact that Brian owns a gun (in spite of being pro-gun control) and keeps it in his bank vault. His reasoning? In case he gets terminally ill or cannot handle his daily life any longer, suicide will be an easily attainable option with the pistol handy. So Brian and Stewie go to the bank vault for other reasons, and they end up getting locked in the vault, so they talk it out, get mad at each other, make up, fight again, and eventually get drunk on Glenfiddich and pass out. Leave it to the comic genius that is Seth McFarlane to take a dark subject like suicidal thoughts and transform it into something to laugh at. It was definitely an entertaining episode though, as expected. And kudos to Wheat Thins, who took one of the iconic Family Guy scenes and turned it into a marketing campaign. ‘You can’t have some pie without Cool H-Whip.’
One show that I referenced previously is Damages, which ran on FX for three seasons and then switched over to Direct TV for the final two, due to, you guessed it, low ratings. Thank God Arrested Development is undergoing a Family Guy-like resurrection, in which the dedicated fan base has been clamoring for Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz to continue the show or deliver on the long-awaited feature film. It’s going to be fantastic! A detailed analysis of AD will arrive soon. Anyway, Damages centers on a brilliant, conceited, conniving, high-powered Manhattan attorney named Patty Hewes, played insanely amazingly by Glenn Close. I am not sure what it is about her, but I think I have hated her in every role I have ever seen her in, which is a good thing, because she plays the role of evil and conniving so well. Some of her selected credits, courtesy of IMDB: Damages (mostly evil attorney), Fatal Attraction (crazy and evil), Air Force One (evil vice president), Stepford Wives (evil Stepford Wife), and the ultimate evil role, as Cruella De Vil, in not just 101 Dalmations, but 102 Dalmations as well. Double evil!
Anyway, Patty is taking on a billionaire named Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson), who has ripped off his former employees to the tune of $2 billion. Patty is representing all the former employees in a class action lawsuit, and she hires a fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer named Ellen Parsons (Australian beauty Rose Byrne). Parsons has a connection to someone who may serve Patty’s interests as a witness against Frobisher, so she hires her under false pretenses, fully intending to get rid of Ellen after the case is settled in court or otherwise. The show bounces from present to the future which sees Ellen covered in blood after being attacked, and then finding her fiancé dead in her own bathtub. This is not a spoiler, since it is actually one of the first scenes in the series. It is just a brilliant show and concept, and it was perfect for a network like FX. There is an appropriate amount of adult language that would probably be used in real life, unlike House of Lies, which abuses the F word like there is no tomorrow. It’s literally 25% of the dialog on the show. My crush on Kristen Bell keeps me coming back, though. Anyhow, Damages has all the key elements that I look for in a show: mystery, intrigue, murder, some comedy, a fantastic plot, and beautiful people. Every woman is hot, and every dude is handsome (I say that completely comfortable in my heterosexuality). But I guess it’s that way on most shows that make it to air. Nobody wants to watch Don Mossi on television every night. Don’t know who he is? Google image search his name. Or wait, I will do it for you. Mossi is considered (by somebody) to be the ugliest man ever to play Major League Baseball. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, you never see any handsome homeless. I am midway through season three and it’s the first show since I began watching 24 on DVD (I plowed through 4 seasons of 24 in about 3 weeks) that reels me in to the point that I can’t stop watching and have to force myself to stop. It is unhealthy, I think. Highly entertaining and great quality as well. This trailer is a bit on the cliched side, but it works.
I paid particular attention to the premier episode of ‘The Killing’, since after all it is the catalyst for my previous ranting. The main detective, Sara Linden (played by Mireille Enos), reminds me of physically of nobody that I can pinpoint, however the way she plays the Linden is similar to how Natalie Portman played Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace: very stone-faced with a monotone delivery. She doesn’t care about anything but Rosie’s case, and that includes her child and pending move from Seattle to San Francisco. I don’t mind all that. I think the she is good enough in the role. She doesn’t have to carry the show since it is very much an ensemble show. Tonight’s episode offered some explanation of what went on in the finale last season. Darren Richmond, the mayoral candidate, has been rendered paralyzed due to Rosie’s angry ‘uncle’ shooting him in the spine at the very end of the previous season. He subsequently has all charges dropped against him and the case is re-opened. The thing is, it’s kind of hard to solve a murder when the police seem to be motivated to leave it unsolved or pin it on someone else. There are dirty cops and Rosie’s father attempting to take the law into his own hands. The lone thing that bothered me about season one was the fact that Linden and her partner, Holder (Joel Kinnamann, who is fantastic), had their suspect in 13 days. A mysterious murder with more layers than an onion is solved in 13 days? Let’s try to keep some of the realism in this story. (Note: that is my older brother’s attitude coming out of my mouth for reasons unknown.) The writers tell you who is dirty, but have not given their reasons for being dirty. This is a very brief summary, but I liked what I saw from the 2-hour premiere, and AMC has promised an ‘explosive’ season. I guess we’ll see.
Family Guy’s episode, ‘You Can’t Do That on Television, Peter’, started off with one of Peter’s best ideas, a coffee table book called ‘Lesbian Butts in 80’s Jeans’. Ok, I am hooked. The gag that made this particular episode awesome was the Saggy Maggie puppet that Peter uses to vent his frustrations about Lois’ constant nagging on his new kids television show on public access. This show continues to impress me with just how politically incorrect they can be. It’s like they are trying hard to piss off the FCC. This is one of those shows that I can totally understand why some like it and others don’t, and it definitely does not have universal appeal. But if you meet another passionate Family guy fan, that conversation can last hours. And there seems to be no middle ground. Nobody ever says they watch it casually. They either hate it or love it. There has been just one episode that I have seen and didn’t automatically love: ‘Brian and Stewie’. Originally an hour-long episode, it centers on the fact that Brian owns a gun (in spite of being pro-gun control) and keeps it in his bank vault. His reasoning? In case he gets terminally ill or cannot handle his daily life any longer, suicide will be an easily attainable option with the pistol handy. So Brian and Stewie go to the bank vault for other reasons, and they end up getting locked in the vault, so they talk it out, get mad at each other, make up, fight again, and eventually get drunk on Glenfiddich and pass out. Leave it to the comic genius that is Seth McFarlane to take a dark subject like suicidal thoughts and transform it into something to laugh at. It was definitely an entertaining episode though, as expected. And kudos to Wheat Thins, who took one of the iconic Family Guy scenes and turned it into a marketing campaign. ‘You can’t have some pie without Cool H-Whip.’
One show that I referenced previously is Damages, which ran on FX for three seasons and then switched over to Direct TV for the final two, due to, you guessed it, low ratings. Thank God Arrested Development is undergoing a Family Guy-like resurrection, in which the dedicated fan base has been clamoring for Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz to continue the show or deliver on the long-awaited feature film. It’s going to be fantastic! A detailed analysis of AD will arrive soon. Anyway, Damages centers on a brilliant, conceited, conniving, high-powered Manhattan attorney named Patty Hewes, played insanely amazingly by Glenn Close. I am not sure what it is about her, but I think I have hated her in every role I have ever seen her in, which is a good thing, because she plays the role of evil and conniving so well. Some of her selected credits, courtesy of IMDB: Damages (mostly evil attorney), Fatal Attraction (crazy and evil), Air Force One (evil vice president), Stepford Wives (evil Stepford Wife), and the ultimate evil role, as Cruella De Vil, in not just 101 Dalmations, but 102 Dalmations as well. Double evil!
Anyway, Patty is taking on a billionaire named Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson), who has ripped off his former employees to the tune of $2 billion. Patty is representing all the former employees in a class action lawsuit, and she hires a fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer named Ellen Parsons (Australian beauty Rose Byrne). Parsons has a connection to someone who may serve Patty’s interests as a witness against Frobisher, so she hires her under false pretenses, fully intending to get rid of Ellen after the case is settled in court or otherwise. The show bounces from present to the future which sees Ellen covered in blood after being attacked, and then finding her fiancé dead in her own bathtub. This is not a spoiler, since it is actually one of the first scenes in the series. It is just a brilliant show and concept, and it was perfect for a network like FX. There is an appropriate amount of adult language that would probably be used in real life, unlike House of Lies, which abuses the F word like there is no tomorrow. It’s literally 25% of the dialog on the show. My crush on Kristen Bell keeps me coming back, though. Anyhow, Damages has all the key elements that I look for in a show: mystery, intrigue, murder, some comedy, a fantastic plot, and beautiful people. Every woman is hot, and every dude is handsome (I say that completely comfortable in my heterosexuality). But I guess it’s that way on most shows that make it to air. Nobody wants to watch Don Mossi on television every night. Don’t know who he is? Google image search his name. Or wait, I will do it for you. Mossi is considered (by somebody) to be the ugliest man ever to play Major League Baseball. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, you never see any handsome homeless. I am midway through season three and it’s the first show since I began watching 24 on DVD (I plowed through 4 seasons of 24 in about 3 weeks) that reels me in to the point that I can’t stop watching and have to force myself to stop. It is unhealthy, I think. Highly entertaining and great quality as well. This trailer is a bit on the cliched side, but it works.
Rosie Larsen Made Me Do It....
A quick note about AMC. AMC is probably my favorite cable network for original programming. I am not the first and certainly won’t be the last television viewer to say that, but with the initial success of ‘Mad Men’, followed by two of my favorites, ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The Walking Dead’, AMC is the rare network that hits more than it misses. The network is batting about .750. Back to Rosie Larsen.
AMC launched this mysterious story of Rosie Larsen and committed to finance a second season shortly after the first couple of episodes aired before wrapping up the story lines. The writers didn’t really do that with much efficiency, and I think everyone can agree on that. I think that once they got renewed, it allowed the writers to leave those loose ends out there to bring viewers back and tell a deeper, more detailed story. So why all this fuss over ‘The Killing’ and Rosie Larsen? Because Season 2 premieres tonight on AMC and after some deep thought, I decided that it would be worth it to throw 13 hours of my time over the next few months to see where this is going.
I generally dislike critics for the exact reason that they en masse negatively reviewed ‘The Killing’. I watch television and films for the entertainment value, no other reason. I do not care about the things the critics care about (cinematography, acting ability, every story line wrapping up neatly, etc.). At work, I jokingly refer to my attitude about television and movies as ‘The Sucker Punch Argument’. Allow me to explain.
I had mentioned to one of my lunch pals a few month ago that I had watched the movie ‘Sucker Punch’ over the previous weekend, and she blurted out ‘Oh my God, how awful was that movie?!?!? How quickly did you turn it off?’ I think her head nearly exploded when I said that it was decent. This is also the same person who looks down her nose at me since I prefer non-fiction books to fiction. Quick summary since I know hardly anyone has seen this movie: a teenage girl kills her step-father in self-defense and is committed to a mental hospital, where she meets four other teenage girls, and plots her escape by making up elaborate scenarios in her active imagination involving her and her four new friends trying to figure a way out. Lots of CGI and action, little in the way of plot after its established why she was institutionalized.
The argument: no, it’s not a great movie or any type of ‘achievement in filmmaking’ (which is officially what the Best Picture Oscar is called, and the pretentiousness just makes me want to throw up), and yes, it caters more to a male audience than female (one strike against my friend). The plot is thin and simplistic at best, however it has a decent, if not quite rewarding ending. So with all that going against it, I still gave it 3.5 stars (out of 5) because, if nothing else, it was entertaining to me and a fun ride. Hot chicks firing semi-automatic hand guns, sword fighting, flying helicopters and just generally kicking ass? Sign me up. Would I watch it again? No. Would I recommend it to someone I know with similar taste in movies? Yes. Can I understand that ‘Sucker Punch’ is not going to appeal to everyone and it will never win any Oscars? Certainly. The point is, all that matters is my personal taste. (Note: The finales of Lost and Seinfeld are great examples of personal taste. They were widely criticized, especially Seinfeld, however, I thoroughly enjoyed both endings.) Critics give their personal opinions, and I just happen to disagree with them because my agenda is different, because I am making judgments based on different criteria. And they are mostly wrong on a consistent basis.
I am always discussing movies, music and TV shows with my friends and family. My thoughts and reviews for the next year are going to be based on one thing and one thing only: entertainment value. I have a friend who has told me on multiple occasions that he would rather watch a 6-3 football game than a shootout where the score is 45-42. That is so ludicrous to me, the only things that comes close is ludicrous speed, Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, or Sucker Punch winning the Oscar for ‘Achievement in Filmmaking’. Note: that is the last time I will ever write those words in that phrase.
For some perspective, here are some of my favorite shows and movies in no particular order and regardless of genre, and I will keep it brief: Dexter, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld (can’t have one without the other), Arrested Development, 24, Lost, The Office, Breaking Bad (the best show currently on cable), Family Guy, Louie, The League, Malcolm in the Middle, Married…with Children, Damages (one of the most underrated and consistently good shows I have ever seen), American Psycho, Zoolander, Dodgeball (Ben Stiller’s best two roles, by far), Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, Team America: World Police, Star Wars, The Godfather (I and II), The Jerk, Dirty Work, Fletch.
As one can see, I have a wide array of interests from serial killers, vigilantes, heart-broken puppeteers, and meth chemists to normal working-class people, crime families, male models, slackers, losers, cartoons, CTU employees and riches-to-rags families. Oh yeah, and marionettes and space cowboys.
More perspective: some extremely popular shows and movies that I have never seen: 30 Rock, Sex and The City (excusable-I’m a dude), Community (inexcusable), Mad Men, Twin Peaks, CSI (any version), NCIS, SVU, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, Law & Order, The X-Files, Field of Dreams (inexcusable considering I’m a dude and love baseball), the middle two Die Hard movies, Jurassic Park (all of them), Twilight (excusable). I have tried ‘The Wire’ and just could not get into it.
Last piece of perspective. Here is what is currently on my DVR: Family Guy, The Killing, House of Lies (tremendous Showtime show), Game of Thrones, Fringe, The Colbert Report, Alcatraz, Archer, Eurotrip, and the season finale of Dexter.
On the docket for the leadoff spot is the show that got me thinking about how much I love the entertainment value of television shows and movies, and how much I dislike the critics who critique them (sometimes I agree with them, but more often than not, they are wrong), The Killing, season 2 premiere. I also want to try movies and shows out of my wheel house and see if they take. On to the fun…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)