Have you ever seen a trailer for a movie and think, "How the hell did that get green lighted?" Here's an example, just a little sample: The Master of Disguise, Jack and Jill, The Love Guru, Santa With Muscles, From Justin to Kelly, The Hottie and the Nottie. Really, just sample the IMDB Bottom 100 and you cannot go wrong. The other Hollywood trend that really bothers me is the insistence on remakes and knockoffs. Look, Michael Bay's CGI orgasm that is Transformers was bad enough, but do we really need a knock off with half the CGI quality called 'Transmorphers'? Or remaking 'The Karate Kid', which was a staple for any kid like me growing up in the 80s. It just doesn't seem right. Its so funny and violent and the soundtrack kicks ass.
More than anything, its a case of the remakers thinking they can do something better and more updated than the original. The original Karate Kid does not depend at all on technology, which is really the only reason to update and remake a film in this day and age. A show like '24' could never have been made in 1985 to the effect that it was in the last 10 years. Cell phones and technology make the feel of the show and the pursuit of the criminals somewhat realistic and that this scenario could actually happen. The fact that the plot is usually foiled by Jack Bauer and CTU in 24 or less is the biggest stretch to reality that I can see. Racing through the first four seasons in two months in order to catch up before season five's premier a few years back was exhilarating. The writers were brilliant at one thing: cliffhangers. It's the 'always leave 'em wanting more' type of writing, and it was so effective that they show became less enjoyable when watching it on a weekly basis.
Its strange to think, but are we running out of original ideas to transfer to the silver screen and home box office, aka, your television? I suppose that the only limit on stories that can be told is how far the human imagination can go. But, really, have you seen some of the garbage that has been made in recent years or even the weekly lineup on the major networks? And don't get me wrong, it has always been this way and is not a recent development. I also realize that, much like the internet, there seems to be a market for just about everything. However, in pop culture, size matters....that's what she said. Market size, that is, if you want to make any money.
A quick look through each networks' lineup reveals just eight programs that I record and watch on a weekly basis (Family Guy, New Girl, Fringe, Parks and Rec, The Office, Hawaii Five-0, Modern Family and Revenge), out of a possible, by my count 69 shows or 72 total hours of programming (8-11 every night, Sunday through Friday). Combined, these shows last just 5.5 hours ( 3.67 hours not counting commercials since I don't watch them - thanks, DVR). Two shows basically have no appeal to me any longer (New Girl and Hawaii Five-0), but I dutifully record them anyway, at lease until the summer.
Let's take a quick look at some select prime time shows on the four major US networks (NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox), their premise and originality factor. There are no fewer than 19 police/legal procedurals on the four major networks this coming week. They exist in every time slot and pretty much every variation you can imagine. But, as I explained in an earlier post, they always get their man in 44 minutes of television time. A show like Dateline, which airs in the cemetery of television ratings at 10 pm on Friday night on NBC, can give a much more accurate portrayal of crimes as they are actually happening in real life than any CSI ever can. I understand that writers cannot always reflect accurately how police procedure is executed, so they need to cut some corners to speed up the story. They do it in the most crucial part of the (real life) investigation: collecting evidence and lab results. This usually happen in about 10 minutes on Hawaii Five-0. Its why I dislike SVU, CSI, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime and Blue Bloods. There seems to be so little realism in the story telling that its impossible to be drawn in. Its one thing to feign realism on Once Upon a Time, because the show is supposed to be fantasized. But the police dramas are not, which makes an hour homicide investigation extremely unrealistic, a season-long investigation show like the aforementioned The Killing or off-beat black comedy/drama Harpers Island. Plus, how many ways can a person be murdered? Writers can get really creative. Its a reason that I admire Dexter: he's found the way he likes to kill someone, and sticks to that method. Though even Dexter I am afraid will eventually have to run its course. How many serial killers exist in Miami anyway?
There is truly a formula for police procedurals, and since I will never be able to describe it better here is the method for writing a police drama. Its about halfway down the page.
To my surprise, there were only a handful of hospital dramas on during the week, highlighted by House and Grey's Anatomy, two shows that I have never seen and will never watch (House is ending in a few weeks, and Grey's has absolutely no appeal to me).
The other major category is reality programming, if you can even call it that anymore. The Amazing Race has a pretty cool concept. Survivor (I have never seen this show), The Apprentice (I could never willfully watch The Donald), Dancing with the Stars, The Voice (one of the judges is Adam Levine of Maroon 5-I like Levine and Maroon 5 well enough, but is he really qualified to judge a voice competition?), American Idol, The Biggest Loser, Fashion Star and Shark Tank are all competition 'reality' shows. The winner usually flames out and never really does anything else noteworthy, career-wise, with the lone exception being Kelly Clarkson from American Idol.
That leaves just 'comedy' on the remainder of the schedule. I use quotations on the word comedy because in my opinion, most of it isn't funny. Its cliched, and its usually very easy to guess where the characters will end up by the end of the show. Remember the Gilmore Girls? Great show, right? Wrong. And I am not just saying that because I am a guy. We already knew it was scripted, but everyone on the show talked like robots. How can I possibly enjoy it? Just give me the script already and I can read it on my own time.
In all fairness, I have never seen 2 Broke Girls or How I met Your Mother (I have heard that stupid Neil Patrick Harris quote "Legen-----wait for it----dary!" about a billion times without ever seeing 2 minutes of the show). Just know that the link is 9+ minutes of Barney Stinson catch phrases. NINE MINUTES! Cosmo Kramer is arguably the wackiest character ever to appear in primetime, and I bet you could get 2 minutes of catch phrases out of him, tops. Others I have not sampled: 30 Rock, American Dad, The Cleveland Show and the Rules of Engagement (Spade = not really that funny anymore).
There is a lot of crap on television these days, and more channels does not mean more selection. It means more crap. If you can think of it, there will be a market for you to sell the product to. How a show with the title 'Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23' ever got made is beyond me. The title alone makes me not want to watch it and I happen to like Krysten Ritter (the star, who was fantastic in Breaking Bad). I would feel embarrassed if someone came to my home and saw that on my DVR. And that goes for most everything on prime time lineups through the week. I knew there was a reason I watched a lot of sports!
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