"Take My Eyes But Not The Shirt!": Aldous Snow and Sarah Marshall

I am a big fan of lists and 'desert island' choices. I can never pick a favorite beer or whiskey, sitcom, murder mystery, Broadway show or rapper/rock band. Call me indecisive or something else, but no matter how passionately I love something in particular (see: Snoop Dogg's solo debut, Doggystyle), I always feel that I need that selection or alternative (see: Eminem's The Slim Shady LP). I love Seinfeld, but after seeing each episode at least four times in the past 15 years, its nice to have Modern Family or The Office to turn to. When I first saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall in the fall of 2008, the stars were aligned for me to love the movie and make it my 'desert island' comedy movie. Going back to the premise of this whole shebang, I crave entertainment value, and if I am expected to be entertained on a desert island with nothing but a DVD player, tv, endless food and drink, and one DVD? Its going to be Forgetting Sarah Marshall, at the expense of several other films that are classics in their own right. So back to the stars being aligned.

In 2008, I was on my way home from Hawaii to the east coast and stopped in San Diego. Lets just say that the pay per view choices at the hotel near Mission Bay were quite limited, to the point that I 'accidentally' ordered The Clone Wars (the Star Wars spin off animated series). Also, FSM happened to be released nationwide into theaters on my birthday of that year. I fell in love with Hawaii while visiting and the movie takes place on Oahu. One of its stars, Mila Kunis, owns the same first name as my niece, and I am as tall as Jason Segel (ok, the last one I made up). Anyway, I pretty much defaulted to the movie not expecting anything. It is a very simple story: man gets heart broken by woman, man vacations and inevitably runs into said woman, man meets other woman, man finds life is better without previous woman, man writes puppet opera to rave reviews. Yes, that is the simplistic storyline, 'man' being Jason Segel, 'woman' being Kristen Bell (I have a somewhat undying crush on her, she just seems like an incredibly cool chick), and 'other woman' being Mila Kunis.

To this day, I still cannot say what I like best about the movie. Certainly there are the one-liners, and Bell and Segel have great chemistry as a couple and otherwise. Russel Brand, as British rock legend and sex savant Aldous Snow, was an absolute revelation to me. I had never heard of him prior to seeing the movie, and for me, he absolutely stole the show. The joint dinner scene is his shining moment, in addition to his songs ('Inside of You' and 'We Gotta Do Something') and his first scene, 'Excuse me misses, I've lost a shoe....'

Anyway, the four main cast members (Segel, Brand, Bell and Kunis) are all fantastic. Even the cameos, like Paul Rudd as Kunu the surf instructor or Bill Hader (already extremely positively reviewed on SNL) as Segel's brother-in-law, contribute very well to the story and comedy. Fact is, I never, ever get tired of this movie. I own a Blu Ray copy and anytime its on cable, I have a lot of trouble turning it off if I in fact turn it on. Not only is it a relatable story (except for the puppet opera), but there is just the right amount of 'sad bastard' factor to make it enjoyable to women and men alike. Throw in the fact that it is bookended by full frontal Jason Segel nudity (don't worry, its just a quick flash and it won't make you gay if you think its funny), and this instantly becomes my 'desert island' comedy film.

Yes, she is the voice of Meg Griffin, and Rachel Jansen in FSM.

Who Green Lit This and How Can We Copy It?

Have you ever seen a trailer for a movie and think, "How the hell did that get green lighted?" Here's an example, just a little sample: The Master of Disguise, Jack and Jill, The Love Guru, Santa With Muscles, From Justin to Kelly, The Hottie and the Nottie. Really, just sample the IMDB Bottom 100 and you cannot go wrong. The other Hollywood trend that really bothers me is the insistence on remakes and knockoffs. Look, Michael Bay's CGI orgasm that is Transformers was bad enough, but do we really need a knock off with half the CGI quality called 'Transmorphers'? Or remaking 'The Karate Kid', which was a staple for any kid like me growing up in the 80s. It just doesn't seem right. Its so funny and violent and the soundtrack kicks ass.

More than anything, its a case of the remakers thinking they can do something better and more updated than the original. The original Karate Kid does not depend at all on technology, which is really the only reason to update and remake a film in this day and age. A show like '24' could never have been made in 1985 to the effect that it was in the last 10 years. Cell phones and technology make the feel of the show and the pursuit of the criminals somewhat realistic and that this scenario could actually happen. The fact that the plot is usually foiled by Jack Bauer and CTU in 24 or less is the biggest stretch to reality that I can see. Racing through the first four seasons in two months in order to catch up before season five's premier a few years back was exhilarating. The writers were brilliant at one thing: cliffhangers. It's the 'always leave 'em wanting more' type of writing, and it was so effective that they show became less enjoyable when watching it on a weekly basis.

Its strange to think, but are we running out of original ideas to transfer to the silver screen and home box office, aka, your television? I suppose that the only limit on stories that can be told is how far the human imagination can go. But, really, have you seen some of the garbage that has been made in recent years or even the weekly lineup on the major networks? And don't get me wrong, it has always been this way and is not a recent development. I also realize that, much like the internet, there seems to be a market for just about everything. However, in pop culture, size matters....that's what she said. Market size, that is, if you want to make any money.

A quick look through each networks' lineup reveals just eight programs that I record and watch on a weekly basis (Family Guy, New Girl, Fringe, Parks and Rec, The Office, Hawaii Five-0, Modern Family and Revenge), out of a possible, by my count 69 shows or 72 total hours of programming (8-11 every night, Sunday through Friday). Combined, these shows last just 5.5 hours ( 3.67 hours not counting commercials since I don't watch them - thanks, DVR). Two shows basically have no appeal to me any longer (New Girl and Hawaii Five-0), but I dutifully record them anyway, at lease until the summer.

Let's take a quick look at some select prime time shows on the four major US networks (NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox), their premise and originality factor. There are no fewer than 19 police/legal procedurals on the four major networks this coming week. They exist in every time slot and pretty much every variation you can imagine. But, as I explained in an earlier post, they always get their man in 44 minutes of television time. A show like Dateline, which airs in the cemetery of television ratings at 10 pm on Friday night on NBC, can give a much more accurate portrayal of crimes as they are actually happening in real life than any CSI ever can. I understand that writers cannot always reflect accurately how police procedure is executed, so they need to cut some corners to speed up the story. They do it in the most crucial part of the (real life) investigation: collecting evidence and lab results. This usually happen in about 10 minutes on Hawaii Five-0. Its why I dislike SVU, CSI, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime and Blue Bloods. There seems to be so little realism in the story telling that its impossible to be drawn in. Its one thing to feign realism on Once Upon a Time, because the show is supposed to be fantasized. But the police dramas are not, which makes an hour homicide investigation extremely unrealistic, a season-long investigation show like the aforementioned The Killing or off-beat black comedy/drama Harpers Island. Plus, how many ways can a person be murdered? Writers can get really creative. Its a reason that I admire Dexter: he's found the way he likes to kill someone, and sticks to that method. Though even Dexter I am afraid will eventually have to run its course. How many serial killers exist in Miami anyway?

There is truly a formula for police procedurals, and since I will never be able to describe it better here is the method for writing a police drama. Its about halfway down the page.

To my surprise, there were only a handful of hospital dramas on during the week, highlighted by House and Grey's Anatomy, two shows that I have never seen and will never watch (House is ending in a few weeks, and Grey's has absolutely no appeal to me).

The other major category is reality programming, if you can even call it that anymore. The Amazing Race has a pretty cool concept. Survivor (I have never seen this show), The Apprentice (I could never willfully watch The Donald), Dancing with the Stars, The Voice (one of the judges is Adam Levine of Maroon 5-I like Levine and Maroon 5 well enough, but is he really qualified to judge a voice competition?), American Idol, The Biggest Loser, Fashion Star and Shark Tank are all competition 'reality' shows. The winner usually flames out and never really does anything else noteworthy, career-wise, with the lone exception being Kelly Clarkson from American Idol.

That leaves just 'comedy' on the remainder of the schedule. I use quotations on the word comedy because in my opinion, most of it isn't funny. Its cliched, and its usually very easy to guess where the characters will end up by the end of the show. Remember the Gilmore Girls? Great show, right? Wrong. And I am not just saying that because I am a guy. We already knew it was scripted, but everyone on the show talked like robots. How can I possibly enjoy it? Just give me the script already and I can read it on my own time.

In all fairness, I have never seen 2 Broke Girls or How I met Your Mother (I have heard that stupid Neil Patrick Harris quote "Legen-----wait for it----dary!" about a billion times without ever seeing 2 minutes of the show). Just know that the link is 9+ minutes of Barney Stinson catch phrases. NINE MINUTES! Cosmo Kramer is arguably the wackiest character ever to appear in primetime, and I bet you could get 2 minutes of catch phrases out of him, tops. Others I have not sampled: 30 Rock, American Dad, The Cleveland Show and the Rules of Engagement (Spade = not really that funny anymore).

There is a lot of crap on television these days, and more channels does not mean more selection. It means more crap. If you can think of it, there will be a market for you to sell the product to. How a show with the title 'Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23' ever got made is beyond me. The title alone makes me not want to watch it and I happen to like Krysten Ritter (the star, who was fantastic in Breaking Bad). I would feel embarrassed if someone came to my home and saw that on my DVR. And that goes for most everything on prime time lineups through the week. I knew there was a reason I watched a lot of sports!

Saturday Night Live - Sophia Vergara

I think that I am the last fan of Saturday Night Live. Anytime I ask someone if they have seen the show over the weekend, I invariably get the same response: no. Of course I was a huge fan back in the Mike Myers-Phil Hartman-Tim Meadows-Kevin Nealon-Farley-Spade-Sandler days of the late 80s and early 90s. I have never felt one way or another about Will Ferrell (he is definitely funny but I don’t think he is some comedic genius like others do) and I have had some favorites over the years such as Bill Hader (criminally underrated, his Stefon character has taken on a life of its own), Kristin Wiig, Amy Poehler, Darrell Hammond, Chris Elliott, Dennis Miller, Chris Rock and Andy Samberg, the driving force behind the skit that got me back into the show back in 2005, the Digital Short. Since the news came out this week that Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig and Andy Samberg (three heavy hitters) will be leaving the show following the season, I hope that the cast can continue on what has been a pretty good run the past 5 years. There has been a great variety of guest hosts and, not that I pay much attention to this, musical guests as well, with one in particular who has used the show to transform his career.

Justin Timberlake may now be more known as a comedic actor than a pop singer. His guest appearances as a host and on the Digital Shorts have been nothing short of brilliant. The ‘D--- in a Box’, ‘Mother Lover’ and ‘3-Way’ trifecta of rap songs is better than just about anything out there in hip hop now. Except for this and this. By the way, Party Rock Anthem has over 400 million Youtube views.

JT has completely reinvented his career (not that it was ever in trouble to begin with) thanks to SNL opening up doors to other acting opportunities, as well as his appearances on Fallon's History of Rap mash ups. Clearly, he has always been talented, and maybe SNL just took him a level higher.

So with that, here is a rundown of the April 7th show, which started off with Sudeikis as Mitt Romney, which in my opinion has run its course, or maybe this just isn’t Sudeikis’ strong suit. Not sure who the writers will get to portray Romney come election time since he is leaving the show.

As usual, the Republicans are the butt of the joke (maybe for good reason) and this particular skit features Mitt going across the Midwest campaigning, while saying that he is a fan of everything, everywhere. Not particularly funny or interesting. Your host for tonight’s festivities is Sophia Vergara, from the instant classic sitcom ‘Modern Family’. The monologue usually is just a formality and this follows suit. I get it, she is very attractive (and was just named the world’s most desirable woman), has that Spanish accent (that you either love or hate), and has her breasts featured pretty prominently in anything she does. Hey, if you have assets, use them. Good for her.

Next on the list is an advertisement ‘Just Friends Booty Shorts’, which on one pair says ‘Just’ and the other pair says ‘Friends’. They are of course designed to ensure that people do not think that you are the person you are shopping with are a gay couple. Samberg and Sudeikis play the couple, and it’s pretty funny, especially at the end when they take it a step further with the ‘Not’ and ‘Gay’ tank tops.

Next up is Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel. Zooey is absolutely nailed by Abby Elliott, daughter of former cast member Chris, and I even like Zooey. She hangs out with Michael Cera, again played very well by Taran Killam. Wiig comes in as Drew Barrymore, and there is no doubt that she is the star of the show, because after that, she sketch focuses on Wiig. I am just waiting for Sofia’s cameo, and here it comes with her portraying Fran Drescher, and for a loud mouth like Sofia, this is a perfect celeb impression. Andy Samberg pops ups as former ‘Blossom’ star Miam Bialik. This is clearly the best part of the skit for me.

Another commercial for something called Almost Pizza, where Hader and Wiig are making Almost Pizza, made by Pfizer. Wiig is encouraging Hader and their daughter to eat the pizza but he is skeptical that it is not actually pizza, until the situation escalates and Hader gets angry. He hits the slice of pizza out of his daughter’s hand and it breaks like fine china. Very funny, actually.

News broadcast, with Sofia, Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. I just don’t get Armisen. He does a good impression of Obama, but not much else in my opinion. I am fast forwarding through this one. He plays an idiot newscaster who can’t turn to the camera. No thanks.

After the commercial we come back to Sofia teaching a sex education class. Oh no, another Gilly sketch. This is the one character that Wiig does that I am not a fan of . I guess I am just not sure why it’s supposed to be funny. Wiig is awesome but I can’t laugh just because it’s her. And Bobby Moynihan is only funny in one role, as Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’. It is very weird, that some sketches are so funny and others just aren’t at all. There is no middle ground. The musical guest is some band called One Direction. They look like a bunch of Beiber clones. I am sure that you can bet where I am going with this. I will take a pass on this musical guest.

And with that, we are halfway through the show. Time for weekend update with Seth Myers. I like Myers well enough, and seeing as it’s an election year, 75% of the jokes are political, which he does well. Drunk Uncle, played by Moynihan, could go either way. Unfortunately, it does not turn out all that well. Again, I am just not a fan of Moynihan, so this might have played well, I just would not know for sure. Weekend Update is usually pretty good. I was always a fan of Dennis Miller and Kevin Nealon as the hosts of WU. And of course, Norm McDonald was classic as well, until he was unceremoniously fired.

Anytime The Manuel Ortiz Show is presented (a Telemundo show hosted by Manuel Ortiz, played by Armisen), it is usually both the worst and best moment of the show. The content usually stinks, but for some reason, when Manuel introduces a new guest, which is usually every 30 seconds, they play this up tempo Spanish song and everyone gets up and dances. Always makes me crack up for some reason. And Hader has been more fantastic than usual on this week’s edition.

I have seen this one before. Little Poundcake is a doll for little girls that regularly administers the HPV antiviruses to protect the girls from HPV. Very funny, and I have to wonder just how far away we are as a society from this becoming reality. I mean, New York City schools are trying to ban references to dinosaurs as to avoid offending creationist. Schools in England are encouraging children not to have a best friend so that they will not have to experience a falling out or heartbreak. Kids are being babied these days and for all the wrong reasons.

Howard Stern as an America’s Got Talent judge? I stopped listening to Howard like 12 years ago, so good for him. Next is a spoof on a Bravo show with some guy named Andy Cohen. I don’t know who that is and have no desire to find out. Although Samberg as a gay prostitute/bartender/wannabe Hollister model is funny. But not funny? Keenan Thompson. The 'What's up with that' sketch is just terrible, but its the go-to for Keenan. He has to be funny at something, just not sure they have found it yet. Yes, Good Burger was great (for 10-year olds) but I am not sure why he is on the show....never mind, I do know why he is one the show. On a side note, not only do we get to see Sophia in every sketch, but also pretty much every product that she endorses has run commercials during the broadcast. I mean, her boobs definitely don’t sell the products, right? Another ‘performance’ by One Direction. I am officially afraid for the music scene in America.

Next to last sketch, and it’s time to call it a wrap. Sofia and ‘Penelope Cruz’ are filming a Pantene commercial. I don’t know who is playing Penelope but she is pretty funny. Ah, this one is ok, not the best effort but certainly not the worst, as they prominently display Sophia's assests. They wrap up the show with a spoof on The Hunger Games, with Vergara playing, literally, a field reporter who is interviewing the contestants while the games are in progress. If you are familiar with The Hunger Games, this is pretty funny. She is just playing herself and being loud and obnoxious the whole time. They still kill Rue, though.

All in all, an up and down effort this week. Sofia, Samberg, ‘Penelope Cruz’, Sudeikis and Wiig were solid, the musical guest was terrible, and the commercial for ‘Just Friends Booty Shorts’ was the best moment of the night. Until next week…

A List of Lists

I have been play fantasy sports for about 12 years now. When I casually mention this to someone who doesn't play fantasy sports, it generally invokes an eyeroll. Look, much like my choices with music and film, I can see how this particular form of entertainment and 'competition' does not appeal to a mass audience. I will just say this: if it weren't for a highly competitve baseball league that i have been a member of for 6 seasons, I would never have re-discovered my love for America's Pasttime (baseball). Also, I can think of a lot worse ways to spend $200 per year that have no chance of recovering that investment (or earning off of it in the inexplicable chance that actually win one of these years) in addition to keeping me out of trouble.

So anyhow, what does my obsession with fantasy baseball have to do with a list of lists? Nerd alert: this is simply a formula employed by Matthew Berry, an ESPN ‘personality’ who gives fantasy sports advice and someone I read often, and the concept belongs to him. It can be applied to nearly any topic that a list can be made of, and since everyone loves lists, why not?

Past fantasy sports team names (I have never won with any of these team names):
• Blondes Not Bombs (Flight of the Conchords reference)
• On a Boat (Lonely Island song)
• Legion of Poon (an homage to Jeff Carter and Mike Richards, formerly of the Flyers)
• 2 Championships, 1 Year (Steelers and Penguins, 2009)
• Smoak Monster (Lost and Seattle’s Justin Smoak)
• The Never Nudes (AD)
• Lord Calvert’s Army (the terrible Canadian whisky)

Last Bands/Singers/Rappers I listened to on my commute (and favorite song by them):
• The Black Keys (Dead and Gone)
• Eminem (We Made You and Just Lose It – Tie for 1st)
• Adele (Set Fire to the Rain)
• LMFAO (Sorry for Party Rocking - I never purposely put them on, but if it happens to come on, I don’t turn it)
• The Lonely Island (The Golden Rule)
• Flight of the Conchords (Business Time)
• Stephen Lynch (Priest and 3 Balloons – Tie for 1st)

Movies I hated that everyone else seems to love, or at least like:
• Anchorman (I have never made it start to finish)
• Sin City
• Super Troopers (I can understand how people could like it, it’s just not my bag)
• Black Swan (except for that one part)
• Transformers (the entire trilogy – CGI can only take you so far)
• Talladega Nights
• Glengarry Glen Ross

Movies that should not be remade in my lifetime:
• Back to the Future Part I
• Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI
• The Godfather
• Titanic (it’s true, it’s a modern day classic and the top grossing movie of all time)
• American Psycho
• Goodfellas
• Caddyshack
• Animal House
• Fight Club

Short list of Modern Films that never should have been re-made:
• The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio > Jayden Smith)
• Arthur (and I am a Russell Brand fan)
• Bad News Bears
• Brian’s Song (the original is criminally underrated)
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu, really?)
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
• The Longest Yard
• Miracle of 34th Street
• Night of the Living Dead
• Planet of the Apes (“just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it isn’t true”)
• Psycho (see: Planet of the Apes)

Movies that Al Pacino never should have come near:
• S1mone
• Gigli
• The Godfather Part III
• Dick Tracy
• Scorpion King 3: The Battle for Redemption (ok, he’s not actually in this one)

Top Guest Spots on Seinfeld:
• Soup Nazi/Yev Kasem (Larry Thomas)
• Dr. Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston)
• Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller)
• J. Peterman (John O’Hurley)
• David Puddy (Patrick Watburton)
• Kenny Bania (Stevey Hynter)

Top Guest Spots on Arrested Development:
• Rita Leeds (Charlize Theron)
• Barry Zuckercorn (Henry Winkler)
• Lucille ‘2’ (Liza Minelli-the object of Buster’s affection)
• STEVE HOLT! (Justin Grant Wade)
• Bob Loblaw (no double talk, just Scott Baio)
• J. Walter Weatherman (Steve Ryan)

Movies that I am ashamed to say I saw in the theater:
• Riding in Cars with Boys
• Sin City
• Father of the Bride (multiple occasions)
• Titanic (multiple occasions)
• The Ladies Man
• Night at the Roxbury

Best premium channel shows (that I have seen):
• Curb Your Enthusism
• Dexter
• Homeland
• Game of Thrones
• Extras
• Band of Brothers/The Pacific
• Flight of the Conchords
• Weeds
• The Tudors
• Dead Like Me

My ‘desert island’ dvds:
• The Super Bowl history of the Pittsburgh Steelers
• Arrested Development
• American Psycho
• WCW Most Outrageous Moments
• Baseball by Ken Burns


Best Shots (or otherwise single serving drinks):
• Irish Carbomb
• Irish Breakfast (2 shot glasses, 1 straight OJ, 1 half Jameson, half Buttershots, take alcohol first and follow immediately with OJ….Pancakes!)
• Makers Mark/Knob Creek/Crown Royal/Jameson straight up
• 3 Wisemen (Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam)
• Jaegermeister
• Jaegermeister + Goldschlager + Grand Marnier
• Grand Marnier (unchilled)
• Patron

And lastly, the list that has sparked a million arguments,

Best James Bonds
• Sean Connery/Daniel Craig – Tie for 1st
• Pierce Brosnan
• All the rest
• George Lazenby

A Quick Word About College Basketball

It’s the NCAA men’s basketball title game tonight, so this will be a sports rant. First off, let me say this about the state of college basketball. Any fan of the game can clearly see the impact of the NBA game on college basketball. Kentucky, currently leading by 16 points near the end of the first half, plays a brand of basketball that I can only compare to the Miami Heat. It seems as though they have 5 games of one on one happening at the same time. Nobody moves or cuts to create passing lanes, pick and rolls are non-existent, and the Cats are not shy about jacking up three pointers as opposed to making the extra pass for a layup. Know why? Because if you sink a deep three, you get on SportsCenter, you get noticed, and the public thinks you are a much better basketball player than you actually are. The college game (and NBA game for that matter) has changed so much just in the last 15 years. It has evolved into a ‘look at me’ culture that encourages individuality and showboating as opposed to teamwork and sacrifice. Norman Dale wasn’t right about everything, but he sure knew how to instill discipline in his team.

I am glad that I am watching this game on delay via DVR, because I have absolute zero interest in hearing President Obama’s thoughts on the state of college basketball. And just for the record, I would be saying this no matter who the president was. I am interested if he is discussing fiscal responsibility with my tax dollars, not so much on which defense is better, the zone or man-to-man. Thank God for the DVR. Kentucky leads by 14 at halftime, they have won 40 straight games after leading at halftime (should I even keep watching?), and CBS, ‘America’s Most Watched Network’ (can I get some proof of that please?), has not shown Ashley Judd once. Ashley Judd, the fine actress and the only reportedly sane member of the Judd family, is from Kentucky and their self-proclaimed #1 fan. Hooray! Go Cats!

Kansas has scored six straight points to cut the lead to 12, and I am starting to think that this is going to be a good rivalry from two power programs. Oh wait, that’s right, 80% of the starters in this game are leaving early for the NBA draft. See what I mean? For every LeBron James or Carmelo Anthony, there are 10 Chris Tafts of Stromile Swifts (underclassmen who left college early and flamed out). I guess they are just kids, really, who have agents whispering their ears to go pro and ‘get your money’. It’s difficult to place all of the blame on them, but they do need to absorb responsibility for their actions, positively or negatively, which a as a sidebar, is a huge problem in society today. Under 16 minute time out, Kentucky by 13, and 4 minutes later the lead has been cut to 10. Maybe I should stick with this game and leave my date with Patty Hewes for tomorrow. This game suddenly just got interesting. Updated: Kentucky ended up winning by eight despite a furious rally by Kansas. The teams I routinely route against always seem to win. Darn.

Glenn Close is Evil

So here we are, the Season Two premiere of one of the most universally criticized crime dramas maybe of all time, but not according to The Philadelphia Inquirer, The New York Times (all the news that matters), and The Hollywood Reporter.



I paid particular attention to the premier episode of ‘The Killing’, since after all it is the catalyst for my previous ranting. The main detective, Sara Linden (played by Mireille Enos), reminds me of physically of nobody that I can pinpoint, however the way she plays the Linden is similar to how Natalie Portman played Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace: very stone-faced with a monotone delivery. She doesn’t care about anything but Rosie’s case, and that includes her child and pending move from Seattle to San Francisco. I don’t mind all that. I think the she is good enough in the role. She doesn’t have to carry the show since it is very much an ensemble show. Tonight’s episode offered some explanation of what went on in the finale last season. Darren Richmond, the mayoral candidate, has been rendered paralyzed due to Rosie’s angry ‘uncle’ shooting him in the spine at the very end of the previous season. He subsequently has all charges dropped against him and the case is re-opened. The thing is, it’s kind of hard to solve a murder when the police seem to be motivated to leave it unsolved or pin it on someone else. There are dirty cops and Rosie’s father attempting to take the law into his own hands. The lone thing that bothered me about season one was the fact that Linden and her partner, Holder (Joel Kinnamann, who is fantastic), had their suspect in 13 days. A mysterious murder with more layers than an onion is solved in 13 days? Let’s try to keep some of the realism in this story. (Note: that is my older brother’s attitude coming out of my mouth for reasons unknown.) The writers tell you who is dirty, but have not given their reasons for being dirty. This is a very brief summary, but I liked what I saw from the 2-hour premiere, and AMC has promised an ‘explosive’ season. I guess we’ll see.

Family Guy’s episode, ‘You Can’t Do That on Television, Peter’, started off with one of Peter’s best ideas, a coffee table book called ‘Lesbian Butts in 80’s Jeans’. Ok, I am hooked. The gag that made this particular episode awesome was the Saggy Maggie puppet that Peter uses to vent his frustrations about Lois’ constant nagging on his new kids television show on public access. This show continues to impress me with just how politically incorrect they can be. It’s like they are trying hard to piss off the FCC. This is one of those shows that I can totally understand why some like it and others don’t, and it definitely does not have universal appeal. But if you meet another passionate Family guy fan, that conversation can last hours. And there seems to be no middle ground. Nobody ever says they watch it casually. They either hate it or love it. There has been just one episode that I have seen and didn’t automatically love: ‘Brian and Stewie’. Originally an hour-long episode, it centers on the fact that Brian owns a gun (in spite of being pro-gun control) and keeps it in his bank vault. His reasoning? In case he gets terminally ill or cannot handle his daily life any longer, suicide will be an easily attainable option with the pistol handy. So Brian and Stewie go to the bank vault for other reasons, and they end up getting locked in the vault, so they talk it out, get mad at each other, make up, fight again, and eventually get drunk on Glenfiddich and pass out. Leave it to the comic genius that is Seth McFarlane to take a dark subject like suicidal thoughts and transform it into something to laugh at. It was definitely an entertaining episode though, as expected. And kudos to Wheat Thins, who took one of the iconic Family Guy scenes and turned it into a marketing campaign. ‘You can’t have some pie without Cool H-Whip.’



One show that I referenced previously is Damages, which ran on FX for three seasons and then switched over to Direct TV for the final two, due to, you guessed it, low ratings. Thank God Arrested Development is undergoing a Family Guy-like resurrection, in which the dedicated fan base has been clamoring for Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz to continue the show or deliver on the long-awaited feature film. It’s going to be fantastic! A detailed analysis of AD will arrive soon. Anyway, Damages centers on a brilliant, conceited, conniving, high-powered Manhattan attorney named Patty Hewes, played insanely amazingly by Glenn Close. I am not sure what it is about her, but I think I have hated her in every role I have ever seen her in, which is a good thing, because she plays the role of evil and conniving so well. Some of her selected credits, courtesy of IMDB: Damages (mostly evil attorney), Fatal Attraction (crazy and evil), Air Force One (evil vice president), Stepford Wives (evil Stepford Wife), and the ultimate evil role, as Cruella De Vil, in not just 101 Dalmations, but 102 Dalmations as well. Double evil!

Anyway, Patty is taking on a billionaire named Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson), who has ripped off his former employees to the tune of $2 billion. Patty is representing all the former employees in a class action lawsuit, and she hires a fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer named Ellen Parsons (Australian beauty Rose Byrne). Parsons has a connection to someone who may serve Patty’s interests as a witness against Frobisher, so she hires her under false pretenses, fully intending to get rid of Ellen after the case is settled in court or otherwise. The show bounces from present to the future which sees Ellen covered in blood after being attacked, and then finding her fiancé dead in her own bathtub. This is not a spoiler, since it is actually one of the first scenes in the series. It is just a brilliant show and concept, and it was perfect for a network like FX. There is an appropriate amount of adult language that would probably be used in real life, unlike House of Lies, which abuses the F word like there is no tomorrow. It’s literally 25% of the dialog on the show. My crush on Kristen Bell keeps me coming back, though. Anyhow, Damages has all the key elements that I look for in a show: mystery, intrigue, murder, some comedy, a fantastic plot, and beautiful people. Every woman is hot, and every dude is handsome (I say that completely comfortable in my heterosexuality). But I guess it’s that way on most shows that make it to air. Nobody wants to watch Don Mossi on television every night. Don’t know who he is? Google image search his name. Or wait, I will do it for you. Mossi is considered (by somebody) to be the ugliest man ever to play Major League Baseball. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, you never see any handsome homeless. I am midway through season three and it’s the first show since I began watching 24 on DVD (I plowed through 4 seasons of 24 in about 3 weeks) that reels me in to the point that I can’t stop watching and have to force myself to stop. It is unhealthy, I think. Highly entertaining and great quality as well. This trailer is a bit on the cliched side, but it works.

Rosie Larsen Made Me Do It....

About a year ago at this time, I became very engaged in an AMC Network original show (which turned out to be a remake and re-imagination of a Danish series of the same name) titled, ‘The Killing’. One of my favorite films of all time is ‘American Psycho’, and one of favorite cable shows is ‘Dexter’, so clearly I have a thing for killers in fiction and true crime alike. Action and suspense are huge draws for me, but I very much enjoy the psychology of the killers when they are inevitably found, which is something that keeps me away from SVU and NCIS and all the other police procedurals. They ALWAYS solve the crime, and somehow in 44 minutes. This show was a slam dunk for me to get into. AMC hit the ground running with a marketing campaign simply with the tag line ‘Who Killed Rosie Larsen?’ Effin’ A. right? Mystery, suspense, murder, rainy Seattle as the back drop, and Rosie is (of course) a slutty high school knockout, who everyone believes is pure as the fallen snow. The plot was interesting and engaging, the writing (from what I could tell) was decent and the acting was adequate, not detrimental in any way to the plot, and there were an appropriate amount of twists and turns that even M. Night Shyamalan would have been impressed. So why did this series get bashed in the media after the series finale? SPOILER ALERT: Seattle homicide does not solve the crime, and it is not exactly crystal clear who in fact did kill Rosie. They come awfully close, but long story short, the person who the audience is lead to believe did it has connections and powerful friends. We, the audience, ‘kinda sorta’ learn who killed Rosie, so there is a degree of payoff, but the resolution is not wrapped in a neat little bow. Should it even matter if the fake Seattle PD doesn’t solve it? Apparently, every television critic that I read thought so. I could not have disagreed more.

A quick note about AMC. AMC is probably my favorite cable network for original programming. I am not the first and certainly won’t be the last television viewer to say that, but with the initial success of ‘Mad Men’, followed by two of my favorites, ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The Walking Dead’, AMC is the rare network that hits more than it misses. The network is batting about .750. Back to Rosie Larsen.

AMC launched this mysterious story of Rosie Larsen and committed to finance a second season shortly after the first couple of episodes aired before wrapping up the story lines. The writers didn’t really do that with much efficiency, and I think everyone can agree on that. I think that once they got renewed, it allowed the writers to leave those loose ends out there to bring viewers back and tell a deeper, more detailed story. So why all this fuss over ‘The Killing’ and Rosie Larsen? Because Season 2 premieres tonight on AMC and after some deep thought, I decided that it would be worth it to throw 13 hours of my time over the next few months to see where this is going.

I generally dislike critics for the exact reason that they en masse negatively reviewed ‘The Killing’. I watch television and films for the entertainment value, no other reason. I do not care about the things the critics care about (cinematography, acting ability, every story line wrapping up neatly, etc.). At work, I jokingly refer to my attitude about television and movies as ‘The Sucker Punch Argument’. Allow me to explain.

I had mentioned to one of my lunch pals a few month ago that I had watched the movie ‘Sucker Punch’ over the previous weekend, and she blurted out ‘Oh my God, how awful was that movie?!?!? How quickly did you turn it off?’ I think her head nearly exploded when I said that it was decent. This is also the same person who looks down her nose at me since I prefer non-fiction books to fiction. Quick summary since I know hardly anyone has seen this movie: a teenage girl kills her step-father in self-defense and is committed to a mental hospital, where she meets four other teenage girls, and plots her escape by making up elaborate scenarios in her active imagination involving her and her four new friends trying to figure a way out. Lots of CGI and action, little in the way of plot after its established why she was institutionalized.

The argument: no, it’s not a great movie or any type of ‘achievement in filmmaking’ (which is officially what the Best Picture Oscar is called, and the pretentiousness just makes me want to throw up), and yes, it caters more to a male audience than female (one strike against my friend). The plot is thin and simplistic at best, however it has a decent, if not quite rewarding ending. So with all that going against it, I still gave it 3.5 stars (out of 5) because, if nothing else, it was entertaining to me and a fun ride. Hot chicks firing semi-automatic hand guns, sword fighting, flying helicopters and just generally kicking ass? Sign me up. Would I watch it again? No. Would I recommend it to someone I know with similar taste in movies? Yes. Can I understand that ‘Sucker Punch’ is not going to appeal to everyone and it will never win any Oscars? Certainly. The point is, all that matters is my personal taste. (Note: The finales of Lost and Seinfeld are great examples of personal taste. They were widely criticized, especially Seinfeld, however, I thoroughly enjoyed both endings.) Critics give their personal opinions, and I just happen to disagree with them because my agenda is different, because I am making judgments based on different criteria. And they are mostly wrong on a consistent basis.

I am always discussing movies, music and TV shows with my friends and family. My thoughts and reviews for the next year are going to be based on one thing and one thing only: entertainment value. I have a friend who has told me on multiple occasions that he would rather watch a 6-3 football game than a shootout where the score is 45-42. That is so ludicrous to me, the only things that comes close is ludicrous speed, Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, or Sucker Punch winning the Oscar for ‘Achievement in Filmmaking’. Note: that is the last time I will ever write those words in that phrase.



For some perspective, here are some of my favorite shows and movies in no particular order and regardless of genre, and I will keep it brief: Dexter, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld (can’t have one without the other), Arrested Development, 24, Lost, The Office, Breaking Bad (the best show currently on cable), Family Guy, Louie, The League, Malcolm in the Middle, Married…with Children, Damages (one of the most underrated and consistently good shows I have ever seen), American Psycho, Zoolander, Dodgeball (Ben Stiller’s best two roles, by far), Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, Team America: World Police, Star Wars, The Godfather (I and II), The Jerk, Dirty Work, Fletch.

As one can see, I have a wide array of interests from serial killers, vigilantes, heart-broken puppeteers, and meth chemists to normal working-class people, crime families, male models, slackers, losers, cartoons, CTU employees and riches-to-rags families. Oh yeah, and marionettes and space cowboys.

More perspective: some extremely popular shows and movies that I have never seen: 30 Rock, Sex and The City (excusable-I’m a dude), Community (inexcusable), Mad Men, Twin Peaks, CSI (any version), NCIS, SVU, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, Law & Order, The X-Files, Field of Dreams (inexcusable considering I’m a dude and love baseball), the middle two Die Hard movies, Jurassic Park (all of them), Twilight (excusable). I have tried ‘The Wire’ and just could not get into it.

Last piece of perspective. Here is what is currently on my DVR: Family Guy, The Killing, House of Lies (tremendous Showtime show), Game of Thrones, Fringe, The Colbert Report, Alcatraz, Archer, Eurotrip, and the season finale of Dexter.

On the docket for the leadoff spot is the show that got me thinking about how much I love the entertainment value of television shows and movies, and how much I dislike the critics who critique them (sometimes I agree with them, but more often than not, they are wrong), The Killing, season 2 premiere. I also want to try movies and shows out of my wheel house and see if they take. On to the fun…